5534 Raleigh Street

Might be time...

2010-10-05T21:30:00.002-04:00

...to resurrect this sucker, given the newfound freedom of law school and the fact that Pens season approacheth. Let's see if we can't get some of the band back together.

dear Tivo, please die

2009-07-16T16:23:00.001-04:00

I have problems with the way people watch TV these days.

I've said before that i don't believe in Tivo. I think it robs viewers of the communal aspect of watching TV on a schedule.

This was an easy perspective to have because up until now, I've never had a Tivo, so i didn't have to worry about it. Ii never had a chance to utilize or even enjoy its many features.

But the other night, my mom's boyfriend came in and said, "American Gladiators is on at midnight."

It was 12:43.

"It's okay, I'll get you the Season Pass," which, if you are not familiar, forces Tivo to record every airing of a particular show for the rest of eternity or until I shut it off, whichever comes first.

So last night we discovered not one, not two but THREE (American Gladiators is on three times a day!!!!) episodes waiting in the "queue" (another aspect of Tivo I don't support - British English).

We sat down to enjoy what was a "tournament of champions" episode, and who was playing but my favorite-ever gladiator, Rico Constatino. my friend Mark and I have an inside joke about Rico and I wanted to utilize another modern invention, my cell phone, to text him and tell him our boy was playing.

"You can't do that. this is pre-recorded, don't forget," Dale informed me.

So there you go. I wanted to be able to share this experience with someone, and I couldn't, because they were not at the same television console as I. Bullshit.

Another thing that bugs me, which didn't exist before I left for prague, is the prevalence of online venues for viewing TV shows. Why even bother sitting down to watch TV every night? You can go on nbc.com, or hulu.com, or whatever and find last night's episode.

For example, everyday I have been sitting down around 4pm to watch the Tonight Show from the previous evening. what was I doing last night at 11:35? Nothing. Actually, probably watching old episodes of the Office, or maybe playoff hockey games from this season.

The Pens won the 2008 Winter Classic, so that's cool.

Anyway, there seems to be no reason for TV to even have a regular schedule anymore. can't we go back to the days when we all gathered round the TV and shared some quality time?

OK, back to Conan.

America v. America

2009-07-15T19:46:00.004-04:00

Now that I've returned to the land/home of the free/brave, and because i don't currently have a job per se so i have a lot of free time on my hands, i've been considering what I'm returning to. Is the America of July 2009 better, worse or more or less the same as the America of August 2007? Have I upgraded or downgraded? Let's consider the facts.

Economy: I did some reading up on comparing the financial climate now to two years ago, and basically it was shitty then and it's shittier now. Also, two years ago i had a job and currently I'm unemployed.

verdict: DOWNGRADE.

Government: I don't care who you voted for in last years election, I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief now that GWB is out of office.

verdict: UPGRADE.

Late Night Television: Conan on an hour earlier? Means I don't have to feel like I'm getting old because I can't stay up to watch Late Night. also, Andy is back! Sadly, after watching some of the shows, i'm wondering if Conan has lost his edge. I guess we'll need more time to give him a fair review, but some of the jokes are pretty terrible. And Jimmy Fallon's worst career move ever was leaving SNL. quit wasting my time.

verdict: EVEN MONEY.

Celebrity Deaths: of course there's MJ. we'll be bereft of not only a musical genius, but also of the endless stream of jokes at his expense. also, i'm still not 100% convinced that Alan Alda is alive.

verdict: DOWNGRADE.

Beer: Upon returning to the cradle of socialization, Oakland, I learned that most of the establishments that used to offer $1 beers have upped their asking price to $1.50. Gone are the days of a night out for less than $10. And legislators have done nothing to remedy the archaic alcohol laws in this state: I still can't walk down to the 7-11 to get a beer, and I can't walk down the street with an open container. how in the world am i supposed to be drunk all the time?

verdict: DOWNGRADE.

Personal Effects: Two years ago when I moved away, I packed up most of my clothes and books to be stored in my mom's attic. At the time I figured I'd probably never touch most of those things again, that they would stay up there for twenty or thirty years and then my kids would find them and go "you used to wear THAT?" and we'd all have a good laugh and then i'd say something weird and crazy and pee my pants because by then hopefully i'll be senile. BUT, after unpacking all said belongings, i realized it's things i forgot i owned by I'm so glad I do! I found my Kordell Stewart jersey circa 1996, some sweet pajama pants, red rain boots and enough fleece blankets to build a badass living-room fort. It's like Christmas for free.

verdict: UPGRADE.

Mom and technology: Two years ago, my mom was essentially living in the year 1993. She had no idea about the internet, very little information about computers, had just got her first cell phone and didn't even have a debit card.

Tonight, however, I realized that she has learned how to text message. I'm proud of her but frankly it's a little bit of a pain in the ass; she texted me three times in a span of like 20 minutes tonight while she was at work asking about when I am free to get my hair cut.

verdict: DOWNGRADE.

Shaq: In August 2007, Shaq was gearing up for another season with the Miami Heat. In the previous season he had reached the milestone of 25,000 career points, but saw the Heat swept by the Bulls in the playoffs.

Now, however, in the summer of 2009, things are looking up. Even though he's super old (like 59), you know he and Lebron are going to crush peoples souls in Cleveland. Also, this year Shaq, like the rest of the world, discovered Twitter, letting not a day go by without gems such as "Oh lance armstrong i challenge you to a time trial anytime anywhere, i dnt smell fear do i, smmmm smmm dats the sniffn sound."

verdict: UPGRADE.

OVERALL ASSESSMENT:

After using my calculator machine to add up all the variables and hypothesizing with my very scientific method of evaluation, it looks like it's about even. America today is just as wonderful, or shitty, as it was two years ago. But if there's one thing we all should have learned from the Wizard of Oz, there's no place like home. I'd take a comparably shitty America over a normal or even above-average Europe.

Anyway... I'm glad to be back.

SCF Game One Feedback - Detroit 3 - Pittsburgh 1

2009-05-30T23:31:00.004-04:00

Pens lost...time to kill myself. Is history going to repeat itself? At least tasty burgers and turkey loins were grilled for the occasion. Who knew that turkeys even had such a body part? A delicious, delicious body part. Additional note with regard to turkeys - I almost murdered one trying to cross Panther Hollow Road? It got lucky; I didn't know that their loins were so delicious. The next one to cross my path won't be so lucky.

Time to go eat a popsicle to soothe this terrible setback. It won't be a red one, I can assure you of that. If only there was some kind of Pens colored popsicle...guess I'll have to settle for third-jersey blue.

Good evening.

----------------
Now playing: The White Stripes - Hello Operator
via FoxyTunes

monday night

2009-02-16T23:13:00.002-05:00

So I like "the city" on MTV. Does this make me a girl, probably...but I dont watch it for the same reasons as most people do. I dont care about how hot the girls are, or how tight the guys jeans are...I just like looking at their homes, and thinking, "damn son, people my age actually live like that." Sometimes it is horribly depressing, but then I realize I have jeffe, and they don't.

I think I have given up on "trust me." Its some dumb show on TNT (Turner should pay me for this advertising). I really wanted to like it, but it is absolutely horrible. With this in mind, I plan on watching it next week.

Pitt bball beat UCONN tonight. Blair destroyed the Jolly Green Giant. I guess when Blair and tall jeffe (dont worry, he'll never read this) are the same weight, but Blair is smaller, thus tougher, Tall Jeffe has no chance.

peace one

Thursday night

2009-01-29T19:59:00.005-05:00

More like, TBS night. Oh damn son, anti-dentite episode on Seinfeld. So I thought I would do a little blogging tonight, since I got nothing going on. Dwight Howard's slam dunk contest commercial with Jameer (my college player of the year trophy is bigger than me) Nelson is hilarious. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, but TNT's basketball show is actually better with Charles Barkley not on it. I'm not even kidding. Chris Webber is really good, but Kenny Smith and Gary Payton are super funny together. I think its because they are both loud mouths that were better in college than in the NBA (GP was actually a great pro). But seriously, let me get on my non-jockmockery soap box and dish out this nugget, C-web and GP are better than Barkley on that show. The show just runs better.

Speaking of Turner television...I just realized 3 of my 4 blogs have been about Mr. Turner, oh well, I still hate the Braves, suck on that Otis Nixon. So I watched that show on TNT about the ad executives..It stars the dude from ED (lawyer bowler show) and the dude from Will and Grace. I thought it might be cool, but it sucked. I'm definately watching it again, but it was horrible.

On Yahoo! today, I saw some story about a boy, who dressed like a girl in order to take a test in school, and I was thinking, "DAMN JEFFE, YOU A FREAK!" Dont worry, he'll never read this.

peace one

Tuesday night

2009-01-27T22:14:00.004-05:00

I think I'm old. Judging by my lifestyle, I might be 50. I love watching TBS. Its all I watch. Its like a buffet of funny TV. Want some Friends, ok...how about some Seinfeld, well thank you very much.....The Office, cha ching. There was a point in my life when I wanted to get a beer and see people, but now a days, its more about seeing my old friends at Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw, you make me feel like a real person.

So I noticed Andy Roddick is like super skinny. One of two things happenned, either he is a vegan or is dating a super model, and now throws up and only drinks red bull. I think we both (i say both because, to be honest, I doubt anyone really reads this) know the answer. Plus, Roddick looks like a red bull type of guy, probably one of those coffee flavored one. Jeffe really likes the coffee flavored ones. Jeffe sucks. He'll never read this.

Peace one

Week in Review

2009-01-23T08:55:00.003-05:00

Stover - what was the last post? I dont get it..is it a paid advertisement for your friday night?

You are right Jen, I'm the lone poster alive, the last gunman for the Raleigh Blogosphere.

So I thought a week in review post should be added to my posting resume, so here's the week in review.....IN HAIKU FORMAT.

Voted Obama
Everyone get gay married
Whatever, Jeffe

Penguins blow balls
Pittsburgh Pirates play hockey?
Nate McClouth can't skate

Drunk Charles Barkley
Sir Charles wanted blow job
Kenny Smith jealous

Depression coming?
Give me money! I'm starving
Sell Body, get paid

Birthdays are real cool
Parents bang, getting laid, YIKES!
Joe Namath, not dad

Topaz, monkey brains
Killing zombies, tanks too tough
Get Bill, eat the drugs

Super Bowl Rally

2009-01-22T17:27:00.001-05:00

Who wants to go?!
Steelers fans can attend a free Super Bowl pep rally hosted by the team at Heinz Field on Friday.

Here's the schedule:

3 p.m. - Stadium lots and Carnegie Science Center lots open ($5 parking)
3 - 7 p.m. - WDVE 102.5 live broadcast (Coca-Cola Great Hall)
5 - 7 p.m. - KISS 96.1 live broadcast (Coca-Cola Great Hall)
5 p.m. - Gates A and B open
5:40 p.m. - Pittsburgh Poison All-Stars Dance Team perform
5:45 p.m. - South Fayette marching band performs
6 p.m. - Concert by The Clarks
7 p.m. - Rally begins; Dusty Drake sings "The 12th Man;" Steelers and local dignitaries on stage
8:05 p.m. - Pittsburgh Fan Club performance - "Here We Go"
8:10 p.m. - Rally ends

Come and test your luck at Blackjack, Poker, & Roulette

$2 Drinks 5-7pm
Free Buffet @ 6pm
B94 broadcasting the party live.
More info at http://www.sportsrockcafepgh.com

LIVE BLOG WITH SPECIAL GUEST

2009-01-18T15:27:00.006-05:00

What up sucka fools!!!! Live blog, sounds like a date to me. Special guest Stacey Barron, MD, on the ones and twos.

Ankney called me, he's gay...stop calling me.

So I'm in the Illadelphia half life watching "da birds" with super fan 81 (thats TO for the philly rookies) Figured I should live blog.

Joe Buck is dumb, I hate FOX sports.

Edge James is looking real good early on. Call him MR. 4.2, cause he's getting his average on.

Stacey is screaming, ouch, my ears are killing me. The Eagles have no idea how to stop blitzing, ESPN reported Kurt Warner is great at killing the blitz, which makes no sense, cause he is slow and looks like his wife. I think ESPN should have stated, "fitz and bouldin are great at killing the blitz."

The Lebron James commercial sucks so much. Number 23 playing receiver? Is his last name "Lebron?" I didnt realize he is asian? Stacey didn't get it, just got it. Maybe she is asian.

Stacey wont stop clapping..wait she just did, only to yell at DeSean Jackson. She just clapped again.

Stacey makes a better wall than window, I can't watch any plays. McNabb INT, what else is new, but then Jackson (see above) forced the cardinals to fumble...Stacey loves DeSean Jackson.

Greg Lewis isn't dating a playboy model, Hank Baskett isn't very good, but him and Cole Hamel have one thing in common, they both bang fake boobs.

CLAPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLAP CLAP CLAP.....GO GO GO!!!

Some dude for the cardinals last name is Laboy. I bet he doesn't like showering with Laman, if you catch my joke.

I'm really good at live blogging.

Akers missed, I guess it was too warm for his leg. He should try Matt Stover's yoga kick style.

Cardinal cheerleaders are sluts - SLB

Trick play, circa 2008 New England Patriots vs. Pittsburgh Steelers. Same result, TD. Fitz is the best receiver at catching the ball with his hands. Scratch that, Moss does it better, but Fitz actually runs routes in the middle of the field.

Joe Buck claims the Cardinals have fans in the mid west because they use to play in Chicago..he's a liar, they dont even have fans in Arizona.

McNabb has the second hardest throw in the NFL, behind Leftwich. Jay Cutler's a baby.

CLAPPING...CLAPPING...LETS GO BIRDS...CLAP CLAP CLAP....THIS ISN'T WWE...CLAP

The Heineken commercial with the dude from that movie with Adam Sandler and Winona Ryder is horrible. The beer is horrible too.

Edge just got 22 yards....IN ONE CARRY! That is screwing up his 4.2 average.

It feels like the Eagles haven't had the ball all half.

Fitz is too good. TD Cardinals. Andy Reid should shave at half time.

I'm tired..Stacey stopped clapping.

4TH QUARTER 24-19 CARDINALS

The Eagles' defense started to play better. Thus live blog is back.

CLAP..FUMBLE...INTERCEPTION....FUMBLE...FUMBLE....CLAP

This game suddenly got good. Arizona should try running the ball more. Edge looked good to start the game, not to mention running the ball makes the clock tick.

TICK...tick tick tick....TICK...tick tick tick...Thankfully neither team understands how to run, so this game might be on til LOST premiers on Wednesday.

Stacey loves Ford F-150 commercials....THE TRUCKS ARE SOOOOO BIG...LOOK AT THE SIZE OF MY EXHAUST...ITS SO BIG....SUCK ON MY GIANT EXHAUST!!!! -chewning

Great catch by Jackson.....McNabb didn't make a great throw, Cromartie should have knocked it down, but Jackson with a great play. Eagles went for 2, no good. Akers has done his best to ruin the game.

Jackson is far better than Sweed. And Holmes....Only Eddie Royal is more awesome.

I take back what I typed before, Cromartie had no real chance of getting to the TD pass. McNabb Mckilled him.

Fitz makes another catch with his hands....he is the polar opposite of Hines Ward...Ward can only catch with his body, which is fine.

Eagles make a stop on 3rd down...Going for it on 4th.....(stacey won't watch...but she is yelling "stop them!")....1st down Arizona. Crazy play, Warner pitches outwide to Hightower...it worked..Eagles weren't expecting it.

Fitz finally catches the ball with his body..he is open every play. Arizona needs to keep this offense together, they are great to watch.

Apparently Bouldin is yelling a lot at the offensive coach...I dont understand why. I call him Terrible Owens, says Skip Bayless.

Did you know Skip Bayless' nickname is "human anus." I wish I was kidding.

This commercial with the italian family for verizon is dumb....though I do love my stereotypes.

"He's just not that into you" the movie was casted horribly from the guys cast. I didn't realize 'E' from Entourage was considered hot..or even acceptable.

Arizona scores a TD. Hightower steals again from Edge, Topaz rejoices. Cardinals go for two, and succeed. 7 point lead for Arizona.

Special shout out to Stover, who is watching the game from the airport. He'll be flying to North Dakota instead of watching the Steelers, IBM is dumb.

BUY THIS F-150!!!! ITS SO TOUGH.....LOOK HOW BIG THE ENGINE IS.....AAAHHHH - Chewning

Stacey is sick of Hightower banging TD's. Edge is sick of being banged by Hightower.

Eagles are moving the ball. 2:09 in the 4th, Eagles just entered Arizona's half.

McNabb has exploded. 3 bad throws. 4th down...two minute warning..commercial time, which means I get to watch the FOX Robot dance around.

Ford Flex..more like Ford Sexbox.

ROLL OVER MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT WASTE THEM!!!!

Curtis drops the 4th down pass....definately contact, no flag. Curtis should have caught it anyways. Arizona ball.

Game over...Arizona is going to the super bowl....and i'm not kidding..Kurt Warner Hall of Fame.

Andy Reid is fat

"The Wire" Rap

2009-01-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

Spoilers.

liveblog: atlanta international airport

2009-01-04T16:09:00.003-05:00

11:31. i arrived in Atlanta about an hour ago; i still have just a shade under 7 hours until my connecting flight leaves for Prague. i rode the cool little light rail train to Concourse E and situated myself at a Wi Fi Hot Spot in the food court. Atlanta is totally aware that it's 2009 and the internet should be ubiquitous and free. Awesome.

There are so many delicious food options around, I don't know what to choose for My Last Meal (in America). Arby's v. Qdoba? My brain isn't equipped to handle such challenges.

11:33. it is Hot As Fuck in this airport. I want to take my pants off. The man sitting opposite me is housing a tasty-looking quesadilla. One point for Qdoba.

11:35. Just realized my overheatedness may be due to the tall, thick socks I am wearing.

11:35:30. There is a badass player piano in this food court.

11:37. How early is too early to have a beer? I think general opinion would say noon. I say, as early as you are awake. JFK International Airport told me at 6:30 am, Friday December 19th that "the bar doesn't open until 8 am." Embarassing.

11:49. Just started thinking about how awesome it will be to have my NES in my apartment in Prague. No matter decade or location, having a Nintendo will always make you cool.

12:01. Some people are having beers across the way. I may make a move.

12:08. I am very bored. I am running out of people to stalk on the facebook.

12:10. There are two food court employees speaking to each other. One is on the phone, and the other is dictating a phone number for the person on the phone to relay to the person on the other end. Repeatedly. This gentleman has literally recited this same phone number 10 times at least. And he's also saying "fo" for the number four. I thought this only happened in movies.

12:21. Lunch break. I've decided on Qdoba. Chicken queso burrito, here I come. See you in a few.

12:52. If they don't have burritos in heaven, I'm not going.

12:53. The phone numbers gentleman commented on my "old school Nintendo. I think we're buds now.

1:25. Time is moving very slowly. There are tons of pilots wandering around this food court: wheeling their little suitcases, eating tasty food court foods and removing and replacing their pilot hats and jackets. This makes me nervous. I don't think the pilots should be mingling with the common folk. They should be segregated so they can focus on flying the airplanes.

1:42. Two people across from me are talking on walkie talkie phones. Presumably not to each other but I wouldn't put it past them. I don't get it. Can't you just call the person? Anyway, walkie talkies are cool until you're 12, and after that they're really fucking annoying.

2:10. Most pilots' hats look like they are three or four sizes too big for their heads.

2:22. The My Morning Jacket song I was enjoying just stopped very abruptly and prematurely. The next song was "In the Ayer" by Flo Rida. Scared the shit out of me. I nearly fell off my cha-yer.

2:42. More pilots. Pilots everywhere. One has Ohio sports team stickers all over his little pilot suitcase. Ohio is cool because, much like you can tell how far a star is from the earth by taking two measurements, six months apart, you can tell what part of Ohio someone is from by knowing at least two of the sports teams they support. The Bengals and Ohio University? Clearly south. Ohio State and the Browns? Columbus and North. I'm not sure how Columbus splits - who goes for the Bengals and who goes for the Browns? Ohio State and the Steelers - though rare - can signal Youngstown.

2:47. In the song "Panama," it really sounds like David Lee Roth is saying "Animal."

3:05. A while ago I switched the language setting on my facebook to "Pirate," and now I have no idea what is going on. It took me like three weeks to realize "betrothed" meant engaged. I'm tempted to change it back, but I like how it records time with shots of rum.

3:51. I forgot I was doing this for a few minutes. I realized that everyone I know is getting engaged or is already married. WTF? I mean, to each his own, but when did this happen? I feel like we just finished high school ten minutes ago.

4:14. Just saw someone with a killer-looking taco salad. Maybe I made the wrong choice.

4:25. I'm so tired. I just want to get on the plane so I can pass out.

4:40. No one is online for chatting purposes. I wish this internet connection would allow me to use G mail.

4:43. An old lady just bent down and picked up a penny I dropped earlier that landed heads down. Sucker.

5:07. I'm going to pack it in soon. Here's what I've learned about Atlanta in my eight or so hours here. People here have way cooler haircuts. There are lots of members of the armed forces skulking around, and pilots. Way more Spanish speakers than your average Pennsylvania town. The food courts are far classier than most airports. Owning a Nintendo can help if your social skills struggle. Like any honest American town, there's a TGI Fridays. Smoothies are gross. And free internet is freedom.

Peace be with yinz.

new years playlist

2008-12-31T14:54:00.004-05:00

as we were braving the sudden winter storm that attacked pittsburgh on this fine new years eve, j robb and i discussed the viability of a new years playlist. i decided to undertake this challenge only to realize that the number of songs that directly refer to new years is rather small and that you can only stretch non-literal references to the change of the calendar so far (unless you want a list with a ton of songs along the lines of "A Long December" by the Counting Crows). and anyway, that's boring!

so my new years playlist is "resolution" themed, so all the songs refer to resolutions i will attempt to make and keep in the year 2009.

Song: Everyday I Write the Book - Elvis Costello
Resolution: I will write a book.

Song: Amsterdam - Peter, Bjorn and John
Resolution: I will start seriously looking into ways to live in my favorite city in Europe.

Songs: Grand Canyon - Magnetic Fields, Washington DC - Magnetic Fields, Chicago - Sufjan Stevens, No Sleep Til Brooklyn - The Beastie Boys, Tennessee Sucks - Ryan Adams
Resolution: I will go on a Great American Roadtrip.

Song: The Legionnaire's Lament - The Decemberists
Resolution: I will expand my vocabulary with words like "laudanum," "fecundity," and "charabanc."

Song: The New Workout Plan - Kanye West
Resolution: I will finally get in shape.

Song: Elevator - Flo Rida featuring Timbaland
Resolution: I will start taking the stairs.

Song: Love is Like a Rock - Donnie Iris
Resolution: I will listen to more "homegrown" artists.

Song: After the Goldrush - Neil Young
Resolution: I will give up on this whole "panning for gold" get-rich-quick thing.

Song: Cherchez La Ghost - Ghostface Killah
Resolution: I will learn French.

Song: Spiderwebs - No Doubt
Resolution: I will change the message on my answering machine.

Song: So Fresh, So Clean - Outkast
Resolution: I will try to bathe every day.

Song: Pussy Galore - The Roots
Resolution: I will catch up on all the old Bond movies I've yet to see.

Song: It's Not Easy Being Green - Kermit the Frog
Resolution: I'll start looking into sustainable sources of energy and becoming more environmentally conscious.

Song: Step into My Office, Baby - Belle and Sebastian
Resolution: I will stop sleeping with my secretary.

Song: Got Ya Money - Ol' Dirty Bastard
Resolution (well, not really): God give us strength to continue living on this planet another year without ODB.

Here's to 2009!

Love, Jen

Pens Pens Pens Period 3

2008-12-30T21:06:00.005-05:00

It's intermiss.

Vernon Davis getting drafted makes people cry.

Probably me...but it's complicated.

Belt Massagers make you strong.

Down 3-2 it's not ideal...in the meanwhile I crafted the getting tall imagery.

I want nachos...from Yankee Stadium.

Third Period Has begun after watching Janne Pesonen, Fiesta Mexicana, and the Colby Armstrong A & L Motors videos.

Bullshit penalty on the Pens, it looked real weak.

GDS sucks. I went inside to urinate one time and the bouncer pulled me by my hood. It was rude and they're racist there anyhow.

St. Pierre goal...Adam Oates style.

Pens down 4-2 it sucks.

Shoe-shi.

Rainbow Warrior.

www.chriscooleypenis.com/

www.clownpenis.fart/

Robb won't let me.

Tim Thomas might be a beast though Topaz won't trade me for him. He is a big cry baby and always tries to low-ball on trades. It's pretty sweet, I've taught him well.

Graham live blogging by the way.

Summer Heights High is a real solid show for those that have HBO access. Stop looking at my dick sir.

Pens keep getting served up on penalties.

Ankney is the best at sleeping...this game seems to be pretty well over. It's 5-2. KO (Kill ourselves).

Dustin Jeffrey is a young pup though he is believed to have a fair amount of heart.

www.tradesidneycrosby.com/

www.tradebenroethlisberger.com/startbyronleftwich

Billionaires don't buy shots, that's how they're so rich.

Sobotka. Sucks.

Ruslan Fedotenko = Mike Topaz

Garbage Time is Kitna Time - Robb, the worst fantasy football manager.

Rise over Run.

FECE went after Mark Cuban.

This game is such bummer sauce.

General Cornrow Wallace. Pretty tough manned up on Milan Lucic. He is a joke.

Rubbing Robb's computer with my fingers is actually fun.

This game has been rather disappointing. The Bruins are a pretty solid team, but not the best effort tonight.

Blogging is back.

Courtney Anderson for Alge Crumpler. Double Touchdowns.

Pens Game Live Blog!

2008-12-22T21:07:00.002-05:00

So it's already 12:11 in the third. We're way behind on liveblogging. We had bigger priorities, like going to the booze store.

J Robb and Topaz are comparing and contrasting Pinot Noir vs. Shiraz. All are boxed.

"I like the extra dry body of the Shiraz." -Topaz is becoming... what do you call someone who knows shit about wine? A wino?

"These glasses have to be at least 5 or 6 oz. No way we're drinking 3 oz... that'd be a fucking Capri Sun. Or Robb's white wine glass that he's drinking red wine out of." - Paz

So... the Pens. They are down 3-2 after a busy second period. Nothing exciting has happened yet in the third, or maybe no one has been paying attention.

The Pens are not playing outside on New Years this year. Stupid. No one likes the Red Wings.

Unfortunately, T Mill isn't here to yell "Where are the Dockers commercials?"

I have never heard Topaz sound so refined AND sophisticated.

The Pens are finally on a power play.

Goal! Goligoski. "Goal"igoski. Things are all tied up now. Alex now has two goals tonight.

We're discussing team nicknames.

Jen: Does Goligoski have a nickname?
T: Alex.
G: Dupuis' nickname is Dupeezy.
T: According to the Pens its "Dupes."

7:04 left. Discussing Stover's recent trip to the gym in Sq. Hill. He enjoys the sauna with the old naked Jewish men.

"If I had to take a survey on living in a Jewish neighborhood, I'd definitely write "Yes, I'd recommend this to a friend." -Topaz

Fleury just made a nice save.

A question has arisen: why did they call it Squirrel Hill? A wikipedia search was commissioned but was unsuccessful. We also couldn't find a list of the funniest google searches. We're guessing "boobs" is up there.

Someone who has more expertise at googling should be manning the room's internet portal.

Topaz just used the word "bogus." Then a joke was called out by everyone that I didn't understand. I'm so out of the loop.

"Jen, there's this great show called Summer Height's High..." -Alicia
"HA HA! Did that just start with there's this great show?" -Topaz.

9 seconds left. See you in overtime.

peace one, jen g out.

Christmas Week update

2008-12-22T11:58:00.004-05:00

I figured I'd just add a post since I'm lounging around the 5534 waiting for the Comcast man to arrive...the most important note to add at present is that the Wu-Tang show at Mr. Smalls is this Friday. Several members of the 5534 will be in attendance, provided that Topaz's fireproof safe is truly a good place to store tickets and not in fact the first place that burglars would ransack.

Anyway, the occasion of the show brings back an interesting question that I've debated on multiple occasions: who is the greatest Wu-Tang member? I've found that as time goes by, For the sake of argument, I'll choose to limit this to original members (and not Redman, Graham). As a reminder, this would include: RZA, GZA, Method Man, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Ghostface Killah, Raekwon, Masta Killa, and last, but not least, the dearly departed Dirty. That eliminates Cappadonna, though I'd find it hard to believe someone wouldn't rate him above Masta Killa, being that his biggest contribution to the group might be this song, which is utterly stolen by a posthumous rant from Dirty at the very beginning.

So that will be the task to get down to. Ideally, there will be some follow-up posts this week taking you, the reader, through the thought process as we count down to the number 1. Get ready for the garment renaissance.

As always, I invite commentary in the form of blog posts (if you're a 5534 member) or respond below. Now back to the task of pilfering music on year-end top ten lists.

I miss the back porch

2008-10-23T13:41:00.002-04:00

I have a front stoop, but people sell drugs from it. Sometimes the lady downstairs pours water on it so they can't sit on it. I once found a thumbnail sized ziplock baggie with a dolphin on it and some white residue inside on our front stoop. Every now and then someone driving by will see me on the stoop and say, "Yo, let me get a gram of the dolphin, compadre," and I'll have to say, "Hold on, I think you're looking for Javier. He lives around back."

Steelers live blog First Half.

2008-10-19T13:32:00.002-04:00

I hate our internet.

Stupid we had a bunch of live blog going on, but mega burn from Comcast assholes.

Ankney we need FIOS.

Fink is here laying on the living room, little does he realize how infrequently we vacuum there. He definitely fought about it.

Cialis In Action

2008-08-03T23:26:00.004-04:00

Survey of Great Significance

2008-06-12T19:00:00.010-04:00

I have been conducting a survey for a few months now. The sample size is probably about 10 females between the ages of 18 and 24. I ask two questions.

1. Who is your favorite Steeler?
2. Who is your least favorite Steeler?

More often than not the second question must be re-phrased because they "love all the Steelers." So I would then say...

2a. Who breaks your heart most often?

According to the graph, two then selected Ben, an understandable choice because he really blew a few games last year. One chose Kordell whose last season with the Steelers was 2002 and who hasn't played professional football at all since 2005. A surprise by all means. The other seven just love all the Steelers. I propose that the only three Steelers that matter are Troy, Ben and Hines. No one picked Fast Willie, Casey Hampton or Skippy, not even the punter Sepulveda, who is supposed to really be the most. Maybe it is because of the marketing and spiffy pink jerseys, or maybe they don't pay enough attention to be able to name any other players. What about the William Gay's, Nate Washington's, The Dump Truck's, and Heath for crying out loud!?!?

Watch out for The Dump Truck though, he's coming.

DON'T GO IN THE BASEMENT IN THE...

2008-06-05T20:52:00.001-04:00

Stanley Cup Finals Game Four Liveblog - Period Two

2008-05-31T21:01:00.002-04:00

TMill said "I am tired of blogging. I think I'm having a heart attack." So I am taking over.

Intermission update: Stover and Ankey are undefeated for the night at Baggo. They have just beaten TMill and Topaz, and earlier beat myself and Alicia quite handedly.

Chewning said to Jeff: "You are knocking me OUT with those American thighs."

TMill is missing a sweet Dockers commercial.

2nd period.

There's heavy discussion about whether or not it is currently a comfortable temperature in the living room. J Robb claims the air conditioner is on, but I can't hear it. Apparently this cooling device can "kick the jams."

Chewning has provided the 2nd period haiku:

Jaarko Ruutu is
provoking the RedWings team
This is Pens hockey.

"There's only one commercial, and it's heaven. That Dockers commercial is why I believe in God." -TMill

Gary Roberts is a beast.

Jordan Staal called for interference. Unfortunately for him, he's not Gunnar Stahl from D2: The Mighty Ducks. Gunnar could murder someone and not get called.

13:38 some people are getting Hossa-fied.

The Redwings positioning is tremendous..... That's what she said.

Alicia tried to liveblog and came up with one senseless sentence.

There is a creepy baby commercial on TV right now.

The guys are comparing sports stars to superheroes. Superman is Brett Favre. PacMan Jones is Dr. Octogon. Roger Clemens is the Riddler because "for every question, he asks another question."

Two important questions that have arisen:
Are there any superheroes who are hispanic so Sammy Sosa can be one?
Could Zeus be considered a superhero?

New nickname for Gary Roberts: "Gare Bear"
courtesy of Chewning.

6:40 there has been no actual game coverage in this liveblog.

The Penguins are knocking on the door.

Nice save by Fleury.

"Clink for Dockers."

We decided Malkin hosting SNL in Russian would be funnier than normal SNL in English.

3:01. nothing is happening with this power play.

I've lost the liveblog fire. No score in the second.

The third period is going to be the most important 20 hockey minutes of our lives thusfar.

peace one, JenG out.

Stanley Cup Finals Game Four Liveblog - Period One

2008-05-31T20:23:00.004-04:00

What up tho'....Tmil at the helm. My first mate Jenny GGGGGGGG.

GOAL!!!!!!!! SLUTS!!!!!! Hossa just killed their face. Detriot BASKETBALL!!!!!! SUCKS!!

This just in Chris Osgood hasn't been good since 1989, ask Gary Roberts.

Graham: "Get your beers down, hossa just railed Osgood."
- Graham only said some of that.

Pens white outs are awesome, I've always been down with rainbows outs, but that hasn't caught on yet.

15:44 1st period - Hossa is going nuts. He wants to get paid. Off the post, Osgood is getting Hossa-fied.

14:56 1st period - Cleary is a dirty diver, not as fat as Holmstrom.

Chewning - all of detriots team is over weight as fuck.

Lidstrom just hit a puck 900 mph, score 1-1. Really disappointing goal.

Osgood is the biggest diver ever, im pretty sure manu is the goalie.

The edge eclipse commercial in on, its the greatest rave ever. Tons of broads, no ankney's in sight.

Robb said I can't look at porn, but he didn't say anything about pictures of Brian Westbrook shirtless...he's fat.. trust me

Jeff Ankney is talking about girls, wait, i meant grills. (that joke isnt funny at all) but jeff ankney is funny.

I think Jean Claude Van Dame is the goalie tonight for the pens, just in case.

I wish I was wearing Dockers. Dockers are awesome. I want to party with the edge eclipse girls, in san fran, wearing dockers, but no ankney's, maybe Jayson, he seems to rock out.

Dockers is sponsoring the 4 Impact Players of the Game, best advertising ever.

10:57 - Pens power play. Hossa is having a great game. Osgood is starting to look pregnant, Hossa-fied. Great save by Osgood, Hossa and Roberts were right there. Great power play, though no goals. Malkin should try shooting a little bit more, passed up too many good looks.

Little kids are really annoying. You should have to pass a sports IQ test to get tickets.

The US Girls soccer commercial is on. Way to go, you got hammered by Brazil, what else is new.
Jen- are they suggesting they drove to brazil. Answer - they are lesbians.

Jeff ankney has never watched soccer, but he loves Jerome Bettis, ask him.

Jen - Jeff Ankney has never seen Rambo or the Godfather movies, Chewning tried to kill him. Dont worry, jeff loves Jerome Bettis.

The Love Guru looks like Aunt Rachel, from Family Matters, according to Chewning. Personally, Step by Step is the realness.

Robb hates Kid Rock, but did a rap about Kid Rock. Jeff Ankney saw Kid Rock in concert, he loves Kid Rock.

Stover has a haiku:
this is my emphany that I dedicate to the future hat trick of Ruutu and NHL Sega 96....

Hoss-a-with-Moss-a
Oct-to-pus-taste-like-pee-wee
berr-ies-taste-like-pens

-good fight, good night

Orpik was facewashing a red wing with a giant 4 legged octopus.

Hossa is easily the best player on the ice right now, he must be trying out for the Red Wings next year, considering no one else will be able to afford him.

Casper apparently wasn't the ghost with the most, it might have been BeetleJuice (stacey loves Beetle juice). Apparently Casper never talked about how much ghost he was.

End of the first period, tied 1-1.

One more thing to feel wrong about: drinking milk

2008-05-18T21:13:00.003-04:00

What people are concerned about:

What people should be concerned about:

Something that should never happen

2008-05-17T18:07:00.004-04:00

Today I saw two kids dressed as though they had just got off little league practice hysterically screaming with unbridled enthusiasm as they ran out of the family mini van and into Starbucks. Parents: an appropriate post-practice treat is the custard stand, not Starbucks. As if they aren't already wired enough.

In other news: this morning was drab and shitty, but now that the sun is shining through the trees on Raleigh street, I have the the Islands' song "Don't Call Me Whitney, Bobby" stuck in my head. Their 2006 debut album, "Return to the Sea," is already an all-time classic summer album in my estimation, and its follow-up, "Arm's Way," comes out Tuesday.

And coming soon: A post about my trip to Chicago, including such highlights as:

+ Inadvertently partying with Duran Duran
+ Smoking a joint on the beach not 200 yards from the nearest skyscraper
+ Having my masculinity and Japanese-made (but American-assembled) car insulted by a Beaver County police officer at 3 a.m. this morning shortly before we opened my spare tire well and found cans of Natty Light that expired while I was still in high school.

Updates to the Site

2008-05-16T11:49:00.005-04:00

After getting my knowledge up from Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke, one of my favorite Pittsburgh Pirates blogs. I signed up for HaloScan, edited the HTML and pimped out the blog. There are now ratings and trackbacks as well as recent comments which are displayed on the sidebar which will be more fun for everyone. If any readers have any ideas or suggestions for posts, they are welcomed and encouraged.

The Raleigh Street Panhandler

2008-05-11T11:42:00.005-04:00

On Raleigh Street we have a panhandling cat, it acts homeless and pathetic but has a collar and is way too fat to be either. It really just sucks and I hate when it creeps around 5534.

2008-05-10T18:39:00.002-04:00

Its a CHUD claw coming out of the sewer clutching our very own CHUD beer. The slogan is "release your inner CHUD."

CHUD will get you weird, real weird

2008-05-10T17:49:00.006-04:00

After stumbling upon a beer at the grocery labeled "La biere du Demon" or "Demons Beer" which boldly states at the bottom of the bottle " 12% de Plaisir Diabolique" or 12% diabolic pleasure, I decided that we need to create a beer that is just as, if not stronger than 12% ABV. Excited about the possibilities, I enthusiastically called up Brian and asked if we could make such a beer when I come home. He agreed and told me that I would be in charge of creating the name and label of this new beer. After no more than a few minutes, I came up with what I think is the perfect beer name... CHUD. And the label will be a very modified version of my very terrible "microsoft paint" creation. The concept is "CHUD will get you real banged up in a hurry" and the label needs to be scary. I figure that all parties concerned will make tons of money and C.H.U.D the movie will become a cult classic.

PENS' GENITALIA II

2008-05-08T22:56:00.004-04:00

Before we get into the next 3 players' sizes, it should be noted that Robb actually came through this week and can be temporarily labeled "cool." He signed onto the ticketmaster pens tickets machine and won, getting tickets to game one of the Pens vs. Flyers eastern conference finals game for himself, me and Graham at Mellon arena May 9th. It should be pretty great.

As promised, next in the exam room, Adam Hall. Hall has good physical measurements, which is why he's on the list. At 6'3", he's one of the tallest players on the team. Add to that the fact that he's only about 206 pounds, and you figure he's a little on the thin side too. Based on my previous formula, you'd guess he could be really throwin' down. But then you'd be wrong. Hall's "intangibles" if you will, are all wrong. To keep things short, he's blonde. Looking ridiculous aside, I've never seen a blonde man with a big dick. Something about it radiates weakness. Add in that he just joined the Pens this year, and you realize he's got some major catching up to do.
Grade: 6.55"

Fortunately, the goods get better as we put Evgeni Malkin to the test. By eye, Malkin is one of the lankiest players on the team, and his paper stats back up that observation. 6'3" and only 195? Since we all know they exaggerate their weights, Malkin is a huge prospect. Watching him this season I've noticed something else: namely, that he often falls on the ice for no apparent reason. At first I figured he was just clumsy, but after studying hours of tape, it appears that when he leans or moves suddenly, his penis actually rapidly moves his center of gravity causing him to fall. Further, I hypothesize that he uses this phenomenon to his advantage, adding momentum to his slap shots for added power. My last evidence in Malkin's favor is that he's Russian. That spells rugged and tough. He was likely fed cheap vodka from the bottle as a baby, which I think may have the same effects as Keyston Ice in infants (Miller, 2007). Add in superstardom, and there's no doubt about it, Malkin is hangin' dubs.*
Grade: 10.97"

Last up for this post, Pittsburgh's own, Ryan Malone. At 6'4", Malone is somewhere around a tie for second tallest player on the team. Unfortunately, his bulky 224 pounds are definitely sucking in his penis, possibly costing him valuable inches. Malone used to be weak, playing well below his potential. Lucky for him, several seasons with the Pens seemed to have given him a boost in both confidence and genital. This can be seen in his physically tough play and goal scoring on the ice. But all that great play may lead to him finding a new home soon, so although he'll get paid, his dick will suffer losses up to inches. Either way, he's no Malkin, so I can only give him assistant big dick this post.
Grade: 8.81"

Coming up in the next (and last) installment, Staal, Laraque and Gill.

* "Hangin' dubs" is an old reference of mine and a few others meaning to hang (as in penis hanging) double digits of inches (in penis length). i.e., if you are hanging dubs, your penis is at least 10 inches long. It is also the root of "Hangin' dubs around."

Miller, Travis. 2007. All babies start off as girls and then their parents give them Keystone Ice if they want them to turn into boys. At that point their boobs fall off and they grow balls and a penis.
---This is typically only done for a limited amount of time to produce normal males. I am suggesting that it may result in further enhancement of the male package if the process were continued indefinitely (as in the case of Malkin's vodka feedings).

Escapades from April 26

2008-05-05T23:48:00.001-04:00

Before finals, AJ, a friend from my graduate program, who happens to be a Phillies fan, a fanatic if you will, invited me to go the Buccos - Phillies game on the 26th. Sadly, it was the last start for Matt Morris. He didn't make it out of the second inning, giving up six runs, three earned, much to the delight of AJ and other Philly fans. After the game and some quarters at Hemingway's Jared and Matt came to the after party at my house, to the delight of my roommates who were all sleeping or trying to go to sleep. Robb was apparently out pretty cold because as I burst into his room, requesting his fine drumming services for Rock Band, he yelled/screamed at me. After it became readily apparent that a fourth was not to be, we proceeded rocking. As the night wore on, and the beers got drank, fun was had by all. Near the end though, the blue drum pad ceased to function.

Several theories have been developed.

1) Someone poured beer on the blue drum pad rendering it useless. Topaz thought the entire drum set felt sticky.

2) We made late night Peanut Butter Dainties, and powdered sugar was licked off the blue drum pad, leaving a sticky residue and in the process, the drum pad lost its functionality.

3) Topaz broke it, just like he broke the pedal, by playing Mississippi Queen. To be fair he "made sure them drums [were] smacking." He then attempted to fix the pads with duct tape and broken metal pieces, but wasn't so lucky this time.

4) Jon broke it in a fit of rage because "shitting has been a totally new experience...for the worse."

5) Robb broke it because he missed out on the PBD's.

These are only theories, there is no way of knowing what really happened. What is known however, is that in 5-7 days a new drum kit will arrive via UPS and we can get back to rocking.

In closing, comments on all posts are appreciated and welcome.

Nine Inch Nails

2008-05-05T23:17:00.006-04:00

I found out this evening that Nine Inch Nails just today released their seventh album, The Slip, totally and completely balls-out free a short five days after finishing it. I very much commend this decision, and I hope to see more established artists do in in the future. And Trent Reznor seems like a pretty nice and genuinely appreciative guy.

Unfortunately, I just finished listening to the album, and it's truly terrible. It starts out promising enough with a cool little atmospheric intro song followed by a pretty fun and straightforward song... a really simple propulsive drum beat under ripsaw power chords, probably the closest thing NIN will ever record to punk rock. And after that, everything is pretty much terrible bullshit that falls into one of two categories:

1) Stuff that sounds like a terrible parody of "The Downward Spiral" and "The Fragile": The lyrics are skull-boringly simple and deal with alienation and depression in broad-to-the-point-of-meaningless ways. For a dude who has been sober for several years and is now working with unbridled creative freedom with no one to answer to but himself, I don't understand why he's still singing about being in a hole cut off from himself staring into the broken mirror telling himself to stop when he knows he can't blah blah blah. Give me a fucking break.

2) Vapid instrumentals that sound like he's trying to pull a Low-era Bowie and falling way short of the mark.

Here is what I'd rate other Nine Inch Nails albums out of 10: Pretty Hate Machine, 8. Downward Spiral, 9. The Fragile, 7. With Teeth, 4. Year Zero, 5. The Slip, 2.

Given that the album was just finished a few days ago but Mr. Reznor promised a special treat for his fans on this day two weeks ago, I think its fair to assume that he didn't give The Slip away just because it's shitty; he could have just as well made a masterpiece and given it away. But I do think that it's a bad idea for bands to start putting out their material immediately for the same reason that I don't think someone should turn in an essay for school without letting it "sit in a drawer" for two weeks... you need some time to take stock and return to your work with a fresh perspective, and that often leads to improvements. So while I totally support giving away shit for free, and I think every major millionaire band should do this*, I think they should give it a few weeks first.

In other house news, Graham, Robb and I had breakfast for dinner, and that was whacky. Big props to Graham for locating the secret bacon, which really hit the spot. Speaking of bacon, if you have never played the game Psychonauts, it is a masterpiece.

*except U2, who should stop recording music entirely and just fucking die, but they will probably give an album away to be cool but still find a way to make a shitload of money off of it by selling the iPhones that come preloaded with it or something

Pens' Genitalia

2008-05-04T23:08:00.004-04:00

so the pens beat the rangers and are now in the eastern conference finals with the flyers. they are the best team in the league and are primed for a run at the cup. this has led me to conclude that they all have above average size weiners. but this begs an important question: who has the biggest penis on the pens? due to the gravity of this question, i'll be doing a multi day post on some of the most prominent pens and their penis factors. i'll ultimately reveal my answer to the question, and then we'll have a vote to see what everyone else thinks.

I have a rough formula for determining a man's penis size without actually seeing the package. Basically, the taller, thinner and blacker, the bigger. The smaller, fatter and more asian, the smaller. Of course, there are other intangibles that must be thrown into the mix.

So here's my quick rundown of the most likely candidates:

First off, none other than Sidney Crosby. He's young, healthy and sexy. He's an all around hero so he seems to have a lot going for his dick size at the surface. However, 5'11" and 200 pounds with a stalky build and huge powerful man-ass, plus Canadian?? No way he's got the biggest junk on the team.
Grade: 7.25"

Moving on, an older gentleman. Gary (Scary/G-Bobs) Roberts. Roberts is downright tough. No one questions that. With that kind of confidence, you know he's packing. Roberts has surpising size, 6'2" and 215 pounds, which leads me to think he has good penis size. Now I would normally say that since he's old, maybe it's shrunk up a bit, but not with Roberts. Roberts is so old and tough that he actually gets the elusive "Dad penis" factor, giving him at least 2 more inches than any normal estimate.
Grade: 9.10"

Last of all, for this post, Brooks Orpik. Orpik stands tall at 6'2, but his 219 pounds make him a bit too chubby to really let his boners rage. Even though he's tough, he is fairly middle aged. Plus he's a pretty regular looking white guy from California, so although his dick may be tan and experienced, it can't be the biggest on this big swinging roster.
Grade: 7.00"

Next time's penises: Hall, Malkin and Malone.

On shitting

2008-05-04T22:51:00.006-04:00

This post contains graphic and potentially disturbing personal details. Reader discretion would be wise.

By special request from J-Robb, I will briefly discuss how quitting smoking has affected my bowel movements.

My favorite thing besides smoking is shitting, and I often say that I wouldn't know a quarter as much as I do if it weren't for bathroom reading; I consider myself something of an autodidact, and the toilet is my classroom. So it has been very difficult for me to deal with constipation as a withdrawal symptom. Nicotine is a laxative, so not only was I happier when I was smoking because I was smoking, but I was also happier because I made more frequent and informative trips to the bathroom. Apparently for heavy smokers it takes the body several weeks to adjust to completely normal bowel movements, so until this time I have to apologize for my prolonged, albeit infrequent, trips to the bathroom.

In other news, two major symptoms I have not had:

+ Coughing/mucus. Apparently this starts early and slowly wanes, so I don't think it will be a problem. Although some people have told me they started coughing up black shit two weeks later, so maybe I'll start doing that. I'll keep you posted with photos and videos if appropriate.

+ Increased appetite/weight gain. I have actually had a decreased and I would say much healthier appetite. As a result, I have experienced slight weight loss. Revision: Having spent May 7 - 18 doing intense boozing across several states with such notorious partiers such as Joe Grande, Tyler Allchin, Nick Hoffman, Zach Lau, Jeff Luce and Noah Gammel, this no longer holds true

LESSON: DON'T START SMOKING. It is the greatest feeling on Earth, but if you never start it, you'll never know you'll missing it, and you'll never have to deal with the worst feeling on Earth, the feverish/anxious/depressing/tingly/constipated/angry/tired/achy/insomniac feeling of quitting smoking. The only thing that gets me through it is daydreaming about my steadily improving flow of precious oxygen... I can't wait to use this oxygen for improved mental and physical performance!!!

Live Blog of Period 3

2008-05-04T16:11:00.002-04:00

Chewning, Topaz, Alicia, T-Mill, Ankney, J-Robb and Nate Martin are here.

Steve Monac - Fried Bologna

Oakland Arby's has bought the naming rights to the Mellon Arena.

Arby's in Oakland Arena is the new name.

In the time I went upstairs to grab my Napster, the game was 2-1 and then they just scored tying it up at 2's which is really lame.

15:00 left in the third.

Brady Quinn is the number one quarterback ever according to T-Mill.

Straka seems like a big cry baby. Yeah just got slashed but have a little class.

11:22 left.

Earlier Ruutu knocked over Jagr and it was sweet.

Mike Milbury really sucks, he was never a good GM in New York, Islanders that is.

T-Mill's parents gave away Steelers season tickets.

Who wants to go to California and wear Docker's? Anybody?

T-Mill then called everyone assholes for making fun of him being peer pressured into buying Docker's and thinking that they're really cool.

Boner pockets and boner repellent are currently being discussed.

7:00 left.

Topaz is trying to watch the game and not contribute to the blog, as per usual, at least with regards to not contributing to the blog.

Iron Man is precious.

Everyone has been pretty well quiet.

Pens are rocking to Panama.

Don't Mess With the Pens

2008-04-30T16:33:00.002-04:00

If you do...

They'll explode your spleen.

Sean Avery sucks anyhow.

Fuck Portishead

2008-04-29T19:33:00.004-04:00

I've waited seven years for the new Portishead album, and it's the only super-anticipated album in memory that I didn't spoil for myself by stealing an advance copy off the Internet or listening to some bullshit promotional stream-the-full-album-in-shitty-quality thing. So it's really fucking shitty that after bringing my copy directly home from the record store and opening it I found that it's warped as shit and unplayable. Fuck this. So now I'm going to listen to the free mp3 download that came with it, which is pretty much the same as if I had just stolen it off the Internet in the first place. Fuck whatever warped my copy of the new Portishead album.

UPDATE: Fuck, no, I'm not listening to these shitty mp3s. I don't give a fuck anymore. I never want to hear this album ever. Someone give me a goddamn cigarette.

UPDATE: This post is embarrassing.

Oh Titty Damnit This is So Expensive

2008-04-27T04:36:00.002-04:00

I said that to Elicia today when I realized I wasn't calling her house, but instead her cell phone.

SUCCESS

2008-04-26T01:35:00.003-04:00

Good advice, Graham.

But seriously, I manged to get-- SO. FUCKING. DRUNK.

tonight, and not smoke a cigarette.

Things are looking up. Leaves have been turned.

Pens Win...Pirates Lose...Robb Doesn't Buy Beer

2008-04-26T00:27:00.006-04:00

Pens pulled off a big-time win against the Rangers after going down 3 - Dick. I really thought Mikey T should have pulled Fleury after the the third goal, yet he is laughing last. Crosby has been big pimpin' all over the playoffs, Doo Doo also was proving it tonight. Before the game I called Robb regarding the possibility of him buying beers in celebration of my last day of finals and the first game of the second round of the playoffs. He was driving still at this point. Somehow he was driving up a hill, probably LOST, and while trying to turn around, we all know how maladroit Robb is (thesaurus served), he managed to run over a 60 - 70 year old woman's special flower pot. After telling him they cost $40, he gave her $20 and hence the beer money for the evening. And that kids is why you always leave a note.

Human Giant

2008-04-25T11:46:00.004-04:00

As many of you may know, CMU's "Carnival" took place last week and with it came a variety of events that 5534 Raleigh had been eagerly anticipating. You may note, for instance, one of Graham's last posts involving his photo at the Roots show on Thursday, which I did not attend in my attempt to make the company softball "A" team.

Sidebar: I did not make the company softball "A" team (Not as cool as the real A-Team anyway. "Hey man, you're crazier than Murdoch!" - gets me every time. Also, a question out there: I assume that this "crime that they didn't commit" was discussed at some point on the A-Team, but I, for one, never knew what it was. Bonus points for anyone who can answer that one). Anyway, what bothers me about not making the fake A-team isn't the fact that it shows my lack of softball skills (I'm only mediumly crappy at it). The annoying thing is that the follow-up e-mail detailing the cut list noted that "splitting up the teams has very little to do with talent, it has more to do with making sure each team will have enough players consistently showing up to games."

But the thing is, the B team can see what staff made each team...and it's pretty clear that attendance was not the primary concern. The list clearly indicated that the best softball players (at least according to the observations that I was able to make at this try-out/practice) were on the A-team. Also the two leagues are called, respectively, the "can of corn" and "log swingers" league (or something like that). Now, even idiot, apparently uncoordinated, mouthbreathers such as myself can figure out that the can of corn league is for wusses and the log swingers league is for the true playas (in Graham's terms). And the can of corn league is the league that the B team is in. But whatever, there's beers involved, so I'm sure everyone's gonna have a good time and that's what it's all about in the end. I just feel like we should avoid stepping around the issue and simply state that the best players will be on the A-team. No need to coddle everyone's feelings. End of story...and end of sidebar.

So...as the above lengthy aside indicates, I regrettably missed out on the Roots concert on that Thursday, which seemed to be a good time from Graham's photo. I also suspect that it might have been a good time since Jon woke me from a sound sleep at about 1am by blasting the Kinks, then leaving his room for an extended period of time. I stumbled out of bed into his room and finding that this sonic assault was for the pleasure of apparently no one, returned to my room to cry myself to sleep.

CMU's Carnival celebration continued on Friday with a show from Human Giant. I hadn't really seen any of their sketches until recently, when Chewning turned me on to their "Will Arnett Sex Tape" sketch (available on Funny or Die.com, I highly recommend checking it out), but since that sketch was so ridiculously funny, I figured that going to their free show was a good plan. Graham seemed to be of a similar mindset and Jon was kind enough to offer a ride down there, since he and his friend from Ohio were going to swing by the show before going to see Beach House.

I'm now going to wrap this post up in a hurry, because I started writing it a really long time ago and forgot what the point was. Human Giant was pretty funny, Aziz is probably my favorite of the troupe and Paul was not there sadly, due to flight delays or some such shenanigans. His gap was missed. They said "fuck" a great many times, yet parents with young children were there. This is why society has no hope for the future.

Graham and I then went to the Fuddle, and ate free food. Speaking of the Fuddle, I invite anyone who's made it to the end of this pointless post to list their favorite half off meal at the Fuddle. That is all, maybe next time I'll post something worth your time.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2008-04-25T10:03:00.003-04:00

A: It's a number you've probably never heard of.

- Courtesy of the Onion AV Club Message Board.

Addressing sickness

2008-04-25T02:41:00.005-04:00

Alicia, while I appreciate the spirit of your apology, I am now convinced that my illness is unrelated to yours and Topaz's. Recalling my many spur-of-the-moment, Sunday (or, in cases such as this one, Monday) morning hungover decisions to quit, all have been followed by flu-like symptoms. I've consulted some "quitting smoking" resources to see if my quasi-flu could be related, but it's difficult to tell; most of these resources are shamefully slight on specific information about withdrawal symptoms, I guess because they don' want to discourage people from quitting. But apparently fever and vomiting are not uncommon. Anyway, I feel just about fine right now.

History:

After spending 4:30-7:30 a.m. Wednesday going through five or six vomiting sessions that took me through a reverse chronology of each meal from the previous two days, I spent literally the entire day watching seasons 1 and 2 of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," alternating from feeling somewhat OK enough to walk up and down the stairs, but mostly laying around feeling terrible chills and unable to move or think. Accordingly, some episodes of "Sunny" seemed hilarious, and others seemed intellectually impenetrable.

I got 9.5 uninterrupted hours of sleep last night, and woke up today feeling basically fine except for a really sore neck. I was able to accomplish several things today, including making a trip to The Exchange to buy every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie they had in stock. (I plan to watch every single one in slow motion.) My appetite seemed fine, but I didn't really push it, eating only a can of soup for lunch and crackers and eventually some cheez-its. I felt totally fine. ... Until I decided to throw caution to the wind and attempt to eat a giant Tessaro's burger.

This was not a good idea.

I definitely don't feel like I'm going to puke, and, really, I don't feel sick at all -- even the pain in my neck is gone. However, I seem completely incapable of digesting the burger. I only ate half of it, and I don't feel full. But I had it at least 4 and a half hours ago, and it's just sitting in my stomach. I'm really worried about it, and I'm either feeling or imagining pains in my right arm, and I am therefore unable to fall asleep.

If i could redo today, I would have done it exactly the same, except I wouldn't have eaten dinner and had a great awesome sleep like I did last night instead of potentially having a heart attack.

Anyway:

1) Alicia we did not hear you puke or even notice that you had shown up at all for that matter. Way to vomit discreetly!

2) Thanks for picking up some Sprite Graham, I will hit you back.

3) I'm never smoking again, if only so I never have to quit again.

4) If anyone tries to tell me I'm "not myself if I'm not smoking," I will gouge his or her fucking eyes out.

5)

whoopsy daisy

2008-04-24T22:32:00.004-04:00

i want to use this blog as a venue to apologize to all the residents of 5534 raleigh street for the terrible sickness i brought to the house last friday. graham and jrobb were nice enough to ask if i wanted to join them at fuel and i replied i was feeling weird. but little did i know how "real weird" i felt until 1:30 a.m. when i started puking violently, or else i never would have come. i also want to apologize to all of jon's friends that were over that night, because i could hear indistinct chattering and general good times and laughter filtering up through the screen in the open bathroom window, so i wouldn't be surprised if they could hear me throwing up tacos. On the bright side, I heard the neighbor girl invite you over to play beer pong, so at least some neighbors were finally nice to you and you could escape the germ-infested air for awhile. i guess intestine-melting diseases are one of the risks of working with kids who pee themselves as an act of defiance. graham and jrobb--i hope you escape the disease. jon and topaz--i'm sorry. everybody--i'll be bringing down some surgical face masks this weekend to be worn in my presence.

Bangin' Around South Oakland

2008-04-24T13:15:00.004-04:00

This happened awhile ago, and yet, it is rather enjoyable. Topaz's aunt called him regarding his cousin who attends the University of Pittsburgh, and living off campus in South Oakland. Robb and I were sitting in the living room hearing the Topaz side of the conversation. After he got off the phone, we started talking about how hot his cousin is and that she should just "bang around" South Oakland. Allow me to loosely (pun intentions unclear) define.

bang around - a hot broad who promiscuously sleeps with gentlemen around a specific area so as to not have to pay rent "Topaz's hot cousin bangs around South Oakland."

The catch with banging around is that in order to execute it, one needs to have a "friends with benefits typed situation," so that they can leave their stuff somewhere for an extended period of time.

In the end, it turned out that Robb and I unfairly assumed Topaz's cousin to be a hot chick, instead he's a dude.

House of Sick

2008-04-24T00:08:00.005-04:00

Casualties

Alicia - brought in the illness
Topaz - vomited real hard outside the cart return at Wal-Mart, receiving a double thumbs up from the worker...missed two days of work
Jon - quit smoking...vomited in the toilet...sick all day today

When I was about to leave for school/work, Jon, laying on the couch looking way under the weather, asked me if he could borrow It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I obliged. Then as I proceeded out the front door, I noticed two packages that appeared to be record albums. Jon normally buys records and as it turns out they were for him. Before leaving I brought them in giving them to Jon. He said essentially said thanks and then I quote "everything is going to be okay," as I left. I really enjoyed it because even though he was real sick he got new records and that made it better. "Because that's what Kool's are?"

P.S. Thanks to blogspot's nifty spell checker I learned the past tense spelling of vomit which is clearly vomited. Have a great day.

All mysteries revealed

2008-04-22T15:13:00.002-04:00

http://elviscostello.com/web/guest/news

HIghlights:

+ Elvis vowed to quit recording
+ The album was recorded and mixed during a total of eight days earlier this year. Damn.
+ It was released on vinyl first because he feels that is the proper way to hear the album
+ Two sides are listed because it's meant to be understood as two sides, although they did it on four for sound quality.

Momofuku, Pt. 5 of 5

2008-04-22T13:45:00.002-04:00

Redemption. Side four begins with two great songs written with (but not featuring) some great country singers: "Song with Rose" and "Pardon Me, Madam, My Name is Eve," written with Rosanne Cash and Loretta Lynn, respectively. A lot of Costello's best songs from the last decade have been written with women or from the perspective of female characters, and these are no exceptions. This runs contrary to the charges of sexism that pervaded his early career, and album closer "Go Away" seems to have rocketed straight from the "This Year's Model" era. It's the simplest and most direct song on the album in terms of both arrangement and lyrics, a stripped-down rocker that gets to the heart of Costello's ambivalent attitude toward women that has inspired so many of his best songs. It begins with some vintage Costello metaphors; the woman he's singing to his is "little spy movie," "gunslinger swagger" and "hand painted villain." He cuts to the chase in the chorus: "Go away, go away / Why don't you go away / Why don't you come back, baby / Why don't you go away" A great ending.

Overall, a very good and solid album that only suffers from its sagging in the third quarter. I doubt I'll ever value it higher than "The Delivery Man," which has grown in my estimation to be one of his best albums, or even "North", which I think is the best kept secret of his discography, but its definitely his best straightforward pop album since at least 1994's underrated "Brutal Youth" or even 1986's "King of America." Because I love lists, here is a sketch of my general Elvis Costello album hierarchy:

Imperial Bedroom
Could not rate over each other: My Aim is True, This Year's Model, Armed Forces, Get Happy!!
Blood and Chocolate
The Delivery Man
Trust
**Momofuku**
Brutal Youth
North
Almost Blue
When I Was Cruel
Punch the Clock

Albums deliberately not included: Live at the El Mocambo, Painted from Memory (totally awesome), The Sweetest Punch, the album he did with that opera singer chick, Il Sogno, My Flame Burns Blue, The River in Reverse (totally awesome)

Albums I'm not familiar with: Goodbye Cruel World (supposed to be terrible), Spike, Mighty Like a Rose (supposed to be weird and shitty), The Juliet Letters (classical), G.B.H. (TV), Kojak Variety, Jake's Progress (TV), Terror & Magnificence (classical)

Well, I have other records to listen to, and I should probably eat.

Momo Fuku, Side 3 - Costello Live Blog, Pt. 4

2008-04-22T13:24:00.002-04:00

"Stella Hurt" starts out like Elvis Costello is going to rip into a metal song, but its sort of reigned back into something that sounds somewhere in between Hendrix and Dylan's version of "All Along the Watchtower." Definitely the least good song so far and the closest he sounds to being out of touch and reaching further than his grasp. Although the solo is sort of cool.

"Mr. Feathers" is a Beatlesesque trifle with some kind of lame studio experimentation. Will side three end up being totally lame???

"My Three Sons" is a pretty straight-forward, good-in-a-workmanlike-sort-of-way song that is about how much Costello loves his three sons. And I guess implicitly also that he sorry that he divorced so many other women and banged so many other chicks while he was married to them.

Side three, you let me down. Fuck.

Costello Live Blog pt. 3

2008-04-22T13:03:00.002-04:00

The second and third songs of side two are "Drum & Bone" and "Flutter & Wow." Despite their title similarities, they sound pretty different from each other. "Drum & Bone" is a pretty straight forward countryish rocker, and "Flutter & Wow" is a solid piano-based slow jam like "Little Triggers" or "Country Darkness." It's a pretty good song, but there was a little bit of a let down -- Costello shouts "take it to the bridge!" during the song, and I thought, "Oh, fuck yes, his other songs like this, particularly 'Country Darkness' have totally awesome bridges, and by calling attention to it its like he is confident this is going to be THE BEST COSTELLO BRIDGE EVER," but, unfortunately, it was merely a 'good' bridge.

Elvis Costello live blog pt. 2

2008-04-22T12:53:00.003-04:00

So I didn't plan on posting again this soon, but I have to say -- "Harry Worth" immediately sounds like something off "Trust," a sort of laid-back sound that's a little loungy, a little dancey, a little forboding. If I was smarter about music I could describe its rhythm better.

Live blogging the new Elvis Costello album, "Momofuku"

2008-04-22T12:27:00.004-04:00

About two and a half weeks ago, it was announced that Elvis Costello would be releasing his new album -- the proper follow-up to 2004's countrified "The Delivery Man" and, as I'm finding out, his first pop/rock album since 2002's "When I Was Cruel" -- er, today. The only information given was that it would be released on vinyl only with a free download code followed by a CD release at some point in the future. Oh, and also that it would be called "MOMOFUKU." This was disconcerting; Elvis Costello is at the age where, despite not showing any signs to the contrary, he could easily settle into late-middle-aged soft-rock Starbucksian complacency, and naming your album after a hip, new age exclusive New York eatery and giving it an absolutely hideous purple-lime green-soft yellow-and-orange cover does not bode well.

So I picked it up today, and in the spirit of both its hip, nontraditional release as well as my unemployment, I'm going to LIVE BLOG MY LISTENING EXPERIENCE.

The record comes in a fairly sturdy gatefold vinyl package, and the cover looks a little better in person than it did on the Internet. (The red shit at the bottom is a box of peaches, and for some reason, this detail appeals to me.) The Impostors are the same band they were for the past few albums (The Attractions with a different bassist, I believe), and there are several guest stars including Jenny Lewis and Pete Thomas' daughter, Tennessee Thomas. No idea who the other people are (is Jonathan Wilson a Beach Boy? [UPDATE: no, apparently he's some lame Laurel Canyon singer-songwriter session musician type]), but maybe I should. Oh well.

The back is mislabled -- intentionally? -- to say there are only two sides, but it is in fact a double LP album (so there are four sides with three songs each = 12 songs). The record includes a lame cardboard stencil so you can, I don't know, tag your neighborhood with the word "MOMOFUKU"? I guess those vying for street cred will enjoy this touch. There is also a coupon for the free album download, but I think some people will be disappointed to find that it's unavailable to use until May 1 -- that's over a week from now, and only 5 days shy of the album's CD release. I guess this is to stave off piracy or, more importantly, to let people enjoy the album with a completely fresh perspective. In fact, I love the idea of having absolutely no idea what to expect from the album and having it spring so suddenly on me. Way to go Mr. Costello. Maybe that's what the title means... it's something deliberately confusing meant to give you no expectations whatsoever, a word that generally sounds like complete nonsense but has enough of a connection to reality to lead you to ponder its significance without arriving at any conclusions.

I have now listened to the first side (first three songs) twice in a row, and I really like what I hear. I'd compare it most readily to Armed Forces or Blood and Chocolate -- they're unabashedly hook-y, well-written pop songs.

"No Hiding Place" is a great opener, sounding like classic Costello gently adorned with Delivery Man-esque steel guitar. Jenny Lewis' backing vocals are used very tastefully.

"American Gangster TIme" is awesome -- with an absolutely classic vox organ line by Steve Neive dominating the song, it sounds like something right off Armed Forces without the new wavey production.

"Turpentine" begins somewhat ominously with a rumbling bassline from Danny Farghar and DOUBLE DRUMMING from the Pete and Tennessee Thomas (father-daughter double drumming! awesome!) It progresses into a pretty complicated arrangements with a lot of different kinds of guitars and keyboards before breaking into a shimmering chorus. I believe every person who worked on the album is featured on this song.

So that is it for side one. I will post more later.

The Roots

2008-04-19T16:08:00.003-04:00

The Roots Rock Show @ CMU. Jon and I regulated the situation. Jameson + Jager + Red Bull + Yuengling + Big Hop + 60 Minute IPA + Party Wine + The Roots = Good time

Is that Kosher?

2008-04-19T14:14:00.004-04:00

To everyone that lives at 5534 Raleigh street...I feasted on Matzo ball Soup of the Manischewitz variety (Jewish quality since 1888) tonight, in honor of both Dnotch and all of you that live in the very Jewish neighborhood of Squirrel Hill. I thought of all as I munched my delicious Jew balls that were as the box says "Kosher For Passover And All Year Round". I Miss you all and look foward to seeing u all in 29 days!

Rick Rolling

2008-04-18T14:24:00.002-04:00

I just found out about "Rick Rolling," which is an "internet phenomenon" where you post a link that is supposed to go to another video -- say, the video of David Hasselhoff eating a cheeseburger drunk -- but you actually link to a video of Rick Astley.
Here's an example:

Hey guys, check out this video of David Hasselhoff shirtless trying to eat a cheeseburger.

In other news, if Graham's lady friends are reading this, I want to apologize for threatening to have sex with you last night.

M-ed up

2008-04-16T21:06:00.003-04:00

Continuing the live blog...

17:00 Topaz thinks Skip S of the Cards is any good.

16:00 Laraque is weak-minded maybe weak-willed. 35 bones for a case of Lancaster.

It's pelican season.

Dupuis' nickname possibilities.

1) Doopweezy --- Graham

2) Doopwizzle --- Graham

3) Doop (Topaz) ---this is dumb

4) P-Dizzle --- Robb

5) PasDoo --- Chewning

6) DooDoo --- Chewning LOLing

Topaz doesn't like blogging and whining also, he's not really sure about this.

Bump him

7) Duquan --- Topaz...not actually proclaimed as a possible nickname

G-Bob isn't playing tonight --- he has a groin

MAF has been looking pretty solid ever since he went to the white pads.

12:13 left

Live blogging is underrated.

Sid needs to shoot more.

Robb, do you think Topaz stopped talking because I'm blogging? The answer has to be in the affirmative.

Topaz is a coward. He wants to be the goalie and get everyone to fight for him.

6:00 TV time out.

I was drawing the picture for awhile for now. Now it's done son.

Haiku about the Sweep

sweepin' senators

bring on the flyers

or caps don't matter

2:43 left

I want to please you secularly.

1:57

I can't believe we're making love.

They are ready to get their golfs on.

1:06 empty net

Hossa just missed the empty netter. Murray is taking a time out to cry about not having enough penalties.

Topaz and Robb are fighting with Ankney and Ottawa being bad/good, respectively.

30.5

Sid blocking shots. Get it out you dildo. SIDNEY bangs in a empty netter.

We say sweep you weep

gerber eats baby food (butts)

Sweepin your balls son

the pens got the sweep

ottawa are all just sheep

spezza is a creep

- Ankney

holla at crosby

spezza's a filthy nazi

ed orloff for life

- Me

flower in the goal

ruutu sweet spinarama

sidney empty net

Live bloggin the third...

2008-04-16T20:44:00.002-04:00

Panguins are up 2-1. Sens on the PP. Robb is whiny and sucks, and yet he just pounded me for the correct spelling of sucks and because his ass got served up real hard. Topaz thinks Ortiz is any good, no one else wants to blog so I'm proving it.

Recent updates

2008-04-14T21:02:00.004-04:00

Hello everyone. I thought I'd share some things that happened to the house recently:

On Saturday morning as I walked some errands I noticed a Mexican restaurant called "Restaurante Mexicano'. It looked like a small, somewhat divey place that would have massive combos for cheap and great margaritas. (Ohioans will recall El Rincon, Talaquepaque and that awesome place in Columbus.) I also appreciated that it was a genuine Mexican restaurant in the middle of a predominantly Jewish neighborhood -- I've always had a thing for underdogs and outsiders. I made it my goal to convince the rest of the house to have a feast there that night; Robb was the first to agree, and he was soon followed by Graham, Topaz and Alicia.

Here are the unfortunate things that happened once we got to Restaurante Mexicano:

1) It had an actual name other than Restaurante Mexicano that I can't recall.

2) It wasn't as divey as it looked from the outside.

3) The service was incredibly slow. It took forever to take our drink order, then forever to bring our drinks, then forever to take our food order, then forever to bring our food.

4) It was more expensive than it looked, and the menu consisted of more than just combos. Most egregiously, the menu did not feature a generic page explaining each basic menu item (e.g., definitions of taco, enchilada, quesadilla).

5) Our margaritas were terrible. The waitress forgot to ask whether we wanted our pitcher frozen, which we did, and of course it wasn't. There was very little ice in it. It basically tasted just like margarita mix with no discernible alcohol. When Topaz asked the waitress bluntly if there was any alcohol in it -- we cautioned him not to do this until we received our food, which of course he ignored -- she explained that she put at least a fifth of a bottle in, and there was so little ice because she wanted to put more alcohol in. This was clearly a lie.

6) The food was terrible, way too salty.

7) The bill made little sense and seemed to be a little too high. Topaz did not make any special requests with his order, but for some reason there was an auspicious, heavily circled P next to his order. This confirmed for us that someone had been instructed to urinate in his meal after he complained about the margaritas.

8) With all the slow service, we left just late enough to arrive at the liquor store as they were locking the door and shutting off the lights; therefore, we were unable to buy tequila to make real margaritas.

Undeterred, we managed to scrounge up enough alcohol from the cupboards and Coldspot(*) to get suitably soused. I also had my first (two) Jagerbomb(s) and learned about their awesome powers: they give you a raging but clear-headed drunk and give you enough energy to party to the break of dawn. My body would only allow me four hours of sleep, but I felt great the next day! Until I almost fell asleep during a showing of Barton Fink at the Regent Square theater Sunday night.

Anyway.

There is a big weekend coming up. Thursday night The Roots are playing for free at CMU, Human Giant is performing stand-up also free there Friday night, and Beach House will be at Garfield Artworks that night, where Laura Kahl's photography is still on display. Saturday is roller derby, which, if you haven't seen it, is our nation's greatest sport: hot punk rock girls covered in fake blood beating the shit out of each other on roller skates. To keep the party going, I'm suggesting to the rest of the house that we have a gathering on our Massive Back Deck Saturday night. Ideally, this gathering would consist of grilling and kegs, and everyone would get laid. For those who do not get that clever Jeff Luce reference, it comes from the following story:

Jeff Luce ran through my house at 3:30 in the morning trying to convince us to go to a party by screaming "WE'RE ALLLLL GETTIN' LAAAAIIIID."

End of story. But if you are interested in such a gathering let me know, and we'll make it happen.

End of post.

(*) The Coldspot is the name of our 1960s fridge.

Stick that in your pipe

2008-04-11T16:18:00.002-04:00

I missed a call from my friend Joe at 1:49 a.m. this morning. He claims to have met filmmaker Morgan Spurlock of the "Super Size Me" fame at a bar in Columbus, and he told him about the documentary concept I had in high school. It would be called "Stick THAT in Your Pipe" and feature me chain smoking until I die. Mr. Spurlock was allegedly offended by this idea. Later that night Joe planned to buy a Big Mac from McDonald's and hire a taxi to do a hamburger drive-by. His friends convinced him this was a bad idea, but I can say this with full certainty: Joe, if I were there, we would have nailed that motherfucker with some extra special sauce.

In other news, I have spent the entire day waiting for the delivery of Moneybags McRobb's new television set, which was supposed to be here 25 minutes ago at the very latest. God I'm so lonely.

Jon

Jamie Kennedy Experiment

2008-04-11T01:23:00.004-04:00

You've been X'ed!

You're on my hidden camera show called the Jamie Kennedy Experiment (laughing)!!!

There are cameras here and here and over there and there...

I finally got the third and, sadly, final season of the Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

Jamie Kennedy and I are best friends now and by owning the final installment of this glorious series, I got his cell phone number and an autographed 8 x 10.

It has been declared...Jamie Kennedy Experiment 5 years from today is going to have a substantial cult following that will spill over into the mainstream, when everyone realizes its genius. I have already made this step, others will follow, time needs to elapse and perculation must occur. Thus, to anyone interested in having your mind blown, I can lend the series, in the meanwhile, prepare for an awakening...not The Awakening, but you might like it anyway.

DankHead527 Out

Look at me...

2008-04-08T11:28:00.001-04:00

I'm blogging at work! How rebellious! Oh shit, I gotta go, someone's coming.

Robb....

2008-04-06T02:48:00.001-04:00

Go to Detroit and....

Jokes and Jokes and Jokes...Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti

Don't get blown away...

Graham...

2008-04-06T02:46:00.001-04:00

is an assmaster...that is all, smoke a pole!

I'm Robb I'm so great

2008-04-06T02:45:00.001-04:00

False, I suck.

Graham is dumb

2008-04-06T02:40:00.006-04:00

My life decisions are sweet and Graham is an idiot. Travis Hafner will hit 36 or more home runs, that's a guarantee. He hit 48 in '06 for Chrissakes! I think it's well within range. Graham and Topaz think they're hot shit at fantasy baseball but I'm gonna smoke their asses. Time to go to Detroit, peace.

It's a double tip and I am properly hydrated

2008-04-06T02:40:00.005-04:00

Rackley is bouncing off to D.C., and so we went to the Bravo's tonight. Adrienne informed us of double tips, which are when the tip is included and then people tip on top of it. It may or may not exist. Jager Bombs were also in full effect. John, we drank Red Bull, but I will feed you some bombs.

Shady Grove vs. Hockey: The Great Debate

2008-04-05T12:00:00.002-04:00

Shady Grove is a bar in Shady Side.

Hockey is a drinking card game involving exactly four people and a deck of cards. Each player receives 13 cards and the person to the left of the dealer plays a card first. The next person can either: score by throwing a 4 (automatic goal) or the same card as was just played, block by throwing an 8 (preventing the next person from scoring), or finally any other card, in hopes that the next player does not have that card. Play continues in that manner around the table. Teammates sit opposite from each other and whenever goals are scored the other team has to drink. The fun part is that you are also drinking partners with a member of the other team, such that when a goal is scored you have to start drinking and continue drinking until they tell you to stop. Thus, whenever they are not paying attention, you have to keep drinking, which may be problematic, but it's a drinking game. Periods are complete when all of the cards have been played, the total goals are tallied and then the deal passes to the person left of the dealer. Three periods are played and whichever team has the most goals, wins. In the event of a tie, an overtime period ensues with the same rules for a regular period.

Shady Grove Pros:
1.) One time, the Bud Light man was there and we got like 5 pitchers of beer for like 10 bucks and free t-shirts, although mine does not fit.
2.) That same time, we got to sit at a table, but the Pens lost in OT that night.

Hockey Pros:
1.) Dudes get to hang out.
2.) You get to drink whatever beer/drink you want and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.
3.) It's not smoky.
4.) You can hear each other talk.
5.) You get to test your card counting abilities.
6.) It's awesome.

Shady Grove Cons:
1.) Lacks all of the superior qualities of Hockey and its associated pros.

Hockey Cons:
1.) Only four people can play at a time.

It is abundantly clear that Hockey wins and is the best.
Comments are welcome.

Please don't judge me...

2008-04-04T18:22:00.000-04:00

...But I hate the sound of Fred's children.

First Post: Stews, Vacuums and Robb's poor life decision

2008-04-04T12:42:00.000-04:00

Last night, Topaz and I exercised and nearing the completion of the workout, we decided that we wanted to eat up the fresh vegetables laying around our house. These included: potatoes, parsnips, and sweet onions. Thus, we started by cleaning the potatoes and cutting them into thin slices and then cooking them in water. Then we added the parsnips and onions also cut up then to flavor the veggies a bit. Next we added some diced tomatoes and tomato sauce from Aldi's, the best store. Before we knew it, we got ourselves a stew going. Carl Weathers would be proud. Topaz heated up eight frozen meatballs and threw in some butter and the stew was complete. It is also worth noting that we ate and watched the Pirates game and Ronny Ballgame's new away catching pads make him look like Topaz's vacuum cleaner. A picture will follow. Finally, Robb's fantasy baseball team is horrible and he made a one dollar bet with me that Travis Hafner will hit 36 or more home runs. Hence, his poor life decision. Finally, getting stews on is cool and underrated. Look forward to more updates, Robb apparently made a blog earlier, but he never distributed any information so I made one.