Now that I've returned to the land/home of the free/brave, and because i don't currently have a job per se so i have a lot of free time on my hands, i've been considering what I'm returning to. Is the America of July 2009 better, worse or more or less the same as the America of August 2007? Have I upgraded or downgraded? Let's consider the facts.
Economy: I did some reading up on comparing the financial climate now to two years ago, and basically it was shitty then and it's shittier now. Also, two years ago i had a job and currently I'm unemployed.
verdict: DOWNGRADE.
Government: I don't care who you voted for in last years election, I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief now that GWB is out of office.
verdict: UPGRADE.
Late Night Television: Conan on an hour earlier? Means I don't have to feel like I'm getting old because I can't stay up to watch Late Night. also, Andy is back! Sadly, after watching some of the shows, i'm wondering if Conan has lost his edge. I guess we'll need more time to give him a fair review, but some of the jokes are pretty terrible. And Jimmy Fallon's worst career move ever was leaving SNL. quit wasting my time.
verdict: EVEN MONEY.
Celebrity Deaths: of course there's MJ. we'll be bereft of not only a musical genius, but also of the endless stream of jokes at his expense. also, i'm still not 100% convinced that Alan Alda is alive.
verdict: DOWNGRADE.
Beer: Upon returning to the cradle of socialization, Oakland, I learned that most of the establishments that used to offer $1 beers have upped their asking price to $1.50. Gone are the days of a night out for less than $10. And legislators have done nothing to remedy the archaic alcohol laws in this state: I still can't walk down to the 7-11 to get a beer, and I can't walk down the street with an open container. how in the world am i supposed to be drunk all the time?
verdict: DOWNGRADE.
Personal Effects: Two years ago when I moved away, I packed up most of my clothes and books to be stored in my mom's attic. At the time I figured I'd probably never touch most of those things again, that they would stay up there for twenty or thirty years and then my kids would find them and go "you used to wear THAT?" and we'd all have a good laugh and then i'd say something weird and crazy and pee my pants because by then hopefully i'll be senile. BUT, after unpacking all said belongings, i realized it's things i forgot i owned by I'm so glad I do! I found my Kordell Stewart jersey circa 1996, some sweet pajama pants, red rain boots and enough fleece blankets to build a badass living-room fort. It's like Christmas for free.
verdict: UPGRADE.
Mom and technology: Two years ago, my mom was essentially living in the year 1993. She had no idea about the internet, very little information about computers, had just got her first cell phone and didn't even have a debit card.
Tonight, however, I realized that she has learned how to text message. I'm proud of her but frankly it's a little bit of a pain in the ass; she texted me three times in a span of like 20 minutes tonight while she was at work asking about when I am free to get my hair cut.
verdict: DOWNGRADE.
Shaq: In August 2007, Shaq was gearing up for another season with the Miami Heat. In the previous season he had reached the milestone of 25,000 career points, but saw the Heat swept by the Bulls in the playoffs.
Now, however, in the summer of 2009, things are looking up. Even though he's super old (like 59), you know he and Lebron are going to crush peoples souls in Cleveland. Also, this year Shaq, like the rest of the world, discovered Twitter, letting not a day go by without gems such as "Oh lance armstrong i challenge you to a time trial anytime anywhere, i dnt smell fear do i, smmmm smmm dats the sniffn sound."
verdict: UPGRADE.
OVERALL ASSESSMENT:
After using my calculator machine to add up all the variables and hypothesizing with my very scientific method of evaluation, it looks like it's about even. America today is just as wonderful, or shitty, as it was two years ago. But if there's one thing we all should have learned from the Wizard of Oz, there's no place like home. I'd take a comparably shitty America over a normal or even above-average Europe.
Anyway... I'm glad to be back.
Showing posts with label Jen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jen. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
liveblog: atlanta international airport
11:31. i arrived in Atlanta about an hour ago; i still have just a shade under 7 hours until my connecting flight leaves for Prague. i rode the cool little light rail train to Concourse E and situated myself at a Wi Fi Hot Spot in the food court. Atlanta is totally aware that it's 2009 and the internet should be ubiquitous and free. Awesome.
There are so many delicious food options around, I don't know what to choose for My Last Meal (in America). Arby's v. Qdoba? My brain isn't equipped to handle such challenges.
11:33. it is Hot As Fuck in this airport. I want to take my pants off. The man sitting opposite me is housing a tasty-looking quesadilla. One point for Qdoba.
11:35. Just realized my overheatedness may be due to the tall, thick socks I am wearing.
11:35:30. There is a badass player piano in this food court.
11:37. How early is too early to have a beer? I think general opinion would say noon. I say, as early as you are awake. JFK International Airport told me at 6:30 am, Friday December 19th that "the bar doesn't open until 8 am." Embarassing.
11:49. Just started thinking about how awesome it will be to have my NES in my apartment in Prague. No matter decade or location, having a Nintendo will always make you cool.
12:01. Some people are having beers across the way. I may make a move.
12:08. I am very bored. I am running out of people to stalk on the facebook.
12:10. There are two food court employees speaking to each other. One is on the phone, and the other is dictating a phone number for the person on the phone to relay to the person on the other end. Repeatedly. This gentleman has literally recited this same phone number 10 times at least. And he's also saying "fo" for the number four. I thought this only happened in movies.
12:21. Lunch break. I've decided on Qdoba. Chicken queso burrito, here I come. See you in a few.
12:52. If they don't have burritos in heaven, I'm not going.
12:53. The phone numbers gentleman commented on my "old school Nintendo. I think we're buds now.
1:25. Time is moving very slowly. There are tons of pilots wandering around this food court: wheeling their little suitcases, eating tasty food court foods and removing and replacing their pilot hats and jackets. This makes me nervous. I don't think the pilots should be mingling with the common folk. They should be segregated so they can focus on flying the airplanes.
1:42. Two people across from me are talking on walkie talkie phones. Presumably not to each other but I wouldn't put it past them. I don't get it. Can't you just call the person? Anyway, walkie talkies are cool until you're 12, and after that they're really fucking annoying.
2:10. Most pilots' hats look like they are three or four sizes too big for their heads.
2:22. The My Morning Jacket song I was enjoying just stopped very abruptly and prematurely. The next song was "In the Ayer" by Flo Rida. Scared the shit out of me. I nearly fell off my cha-yer.
2:42. More pilots. Pilots everywhere. One has Ohio sports team stickers all over his little pilot suitcase. Ohio is cool because, much like you can tell how far a star is from the earth by taking two measurements, six months apart, you can tell what part of Ohio someone is from by knowing at least two of the sports teams they support. The Bengals and Ohio University? Clearly south. Ohio State and the Browns? Columbus and North. I'm not sure how Columbus splits - who goes for the Bengals and who goes for the Browns? Ohio State and the Steelers - though rare - can signal Youngstown.
2:47. In the song "Panama," it really sounds like David Lee Roth is saying "Animal."
3:05. A while ago I switched the language setting on my facebook to "Pirate," and now I have no idea what is going on. It took me like three weeks to realize "betrothed" meant engaged. I'm tempted to change it back, but I like how it records time with shots of rum.
3:51. I forgot I was doing this for a few minutes. I realized that everyone I know is getting engaged or is already married. WTF? I mean, to each his own, but when did this happen? I feel like we just finished high school ten minutes ago.
4:14. Just saw someone with a killer-looking taco salad. Maybe I made the wrong choice.
4:25. I'm so tired. I just want to get on the plane so I can pass out.
4:40. No one is online for chatting purposes. I wish this internet connection would allow me to use G mail.
4:43. An old lady just bent down and picked up a penny I dropped earlier that landed heads down. Sucker.
5:07. I'm going to pack it in soon. Here's what I've learned about Atlanta in my eight or so hours here. People here have way cooler haircuts. There are lots of members of the armed forces skulking around, and pilots. Way more Spanish speakers than your average Pennsylvania town. The food courts are far classier than most airports. Owning a Nintendo can help if your social skills struggle. Like any honest American town, there's a TGI Fridays. Smoothies are gross. And free internet is freedom.
Peace be with yinz.
There are so many delicious food options around, I don't know what to choose for My Last Meal (in America). Arby's v. Qdoba? My brain isn't equipped to handle such challenges.
11:33. it is Hot As Fuck in this airport. I want to take my pants off. The man sitting opposite me is housing a tasty-looking quesadilla. One point for Qdoba.
11:35. Just realized my overheatedness may be due to the tall, thick socks I am wearing.
11:35:30. There is a badass player piano in this food court.
11:37. How early is too early to have a beer? I think general opinion would say noon. I say, as early as you are awake. JFK International Airport told me at 6:30 am, Friday December 19th that "the bar doesn't open until 8 am." Embarassing.
11:49. Just started thinking about how awesome it will be to have my NES in my apartment in Prague. No matter decade or location, having a Nintendo will always make you cool.
12:01. Some people are having beers across the way. I may make a move.
12:08. I am very bored. I am running out of people to stalk on the facebook.
12:10. There are two food court employees speaking to each other. One is on the phone, and the other is dictating a phone number for the person on the phone to relay to the person on the other end. Repeatedly. This gentleman has literally recited this same phone number 10 times at least. And he's also saying "fo" for the number four. I thought this only happened in movies.
12:21. Lunch break. I've decided on Qdoba. Chicken queso burrito, here I come. See you in a few.
12:52. If they don't have burritos in heaven, I'm not going.
12:53. The phone numbers gentleman commented on my "old school Nintendo. I think we're buds now.
1:25. Time is moving very slowly. There are tons of pilots wandering around this food court: wheeling their little suitcases, eating tasty food court foods and removing and replacing their pilot hats and jackets. This makes me nervous. I don't think the pilots should be mingling with the common folk. They should be segregated so they can focus on flying the airplanes.
1:42. Two people across from me are talking on walkie talkie phones. Presumably not to each other but I wouldn't put it past them. I don't get it. Can't you just call the person? Anyway, walkie talkies are cool until you're 12, and after that they're really fucking annoying.
2:10. Most pilots' hats look like they are three or four sizes too big for their heads.
2:22. The My Morning Jacket song I was enjoying just stopped very abruptly and prematurely. The next song was "In the Ayer" by Flo Rida. Scared the shit out of me. I nearly fell off my cha-yer.
2:42. More pilots. Pilots everywhere. One has Ohio sports team stickers all over his little pilot suitcase. Ohio is cool because, much like you can tell how far a star is from the earth by taking two measurements, six months apart, you can tell what part of Ohio someone is from by knowing at least two of the sports teams they support. The Bengals and Ohio University? Clearly south. Ohio State and the Browns? Columbus and North. I'm not sure how Columbus splits - who goes for the Bengals and who goes for the Browns? Ohio State and the Steelers - though rare - can signal Youngstown.
2:47. In the song "Panama," it really sounds like David Lee Roth is saying "Animal."
3:05. A while ago I switched the language setting on my facebook to "Pirate," and now I have no idea what is going on. It took me like three weeks to realize "betrothed" meant engaged. I'm tempted to change it back, but I like how it records time with shots of rum.
3:51. I forgot I was doing this for a few minutes. I realized that everyone I know is getting engaged or is already married. WTF? I mean, to each his own, but when did this happen? I feel like we just finished high school ten minutes ago.
4:14. Just saw someone with a killer-looking taco salad. Maybe I made the wrong choice.
4:25. I'm so tired. I just want to get on the plane so I can pass out.
4:40. No one is online for chatting purposes. I wish this internet connection would allow me to use G mail.
4:43. An old lady just bent down and picked up a penny I dropped earlier that landed heads down. Sucker.
5:07. I'm going to pack it in soon. Here's what I've learned about Atlanta in my eight or so hours here. People here have way cooler haircuts. There are lots of members of the armed forces skulking around, and pilots. Way more Spanish speakers than your average Pennsylvania town. The food courts are far classier than most airports. Owning a Nintendo can help if your social skills struggle. Like any honest American town, there's a TGI Fridays. Smoothies are gross. And free internet is freedom.
Peace be with yinz.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
new years playlist
as we were braving the sudden winter storm that attacked pittsburgh on this fine new years eve, j robb and i discussed the viability of a new years playlist. i decided to undertake this challenge only to realize that the number of songs that directly refer to new years is rather small and that you can only stretch non-literal references to the change of the calendar so far (unless you want a list with a ton of songs along the lines of "A Long December" by the Counting Crows). and anyway, that's boring!
so my new years playlist is "resolution" themed, so all the songs refer to resolutions i will attempt to make and keep in the year 2009.
Song: Everyday I Write the Book - Elvis Costello
Resolution: I will write a book.
Song: Amsterdam - Peter, Bjorn and John
Resolution: I will start seriously looking into ways to live in my favorite city in Europe.
Songs: Grand Canyon - Magnetic Fields, Washington DC - Magnetic Fields, Chicago - Sufjan Stevens, No Sleep Til Brooklyn - The Beastie Boys, Tennessee Sucks - Ryan Adams
Resolution: I will go on a Great American Roadtrip.
Song: The Legionnaire's Lament - The Decemberists
Resolution: I will expand my vocabulary with words like "laudanum," "fecundity," and "charabanc."
Song: The New Workout Plan - Kanye West
Resolution: I will finally get in shape.
Song: Elevator - Flo Rida featuring Timbaland
Resolution: I will start taking the stairs.
Song: Love is Like a Rock - Donnie Iris
Resolution: I will listen to more "homegrown" artists.
Song: After the Goldrush - Neil Young
Resolution: I will give up on this whole "panning for gold" get-rich-quick thing.
Song: Cherchez La Ghost - Ghostface Killah
Resolution: I will learn French.
Song: Spiderwebs - No Doubt
Resolution: I will change the message on my answering machine.
Song: So Fresh, So Clean - Outkast
Resolution: I will try to bathe every day.
Song: Pussy Galore - The Roots
Resolution: I will catch up on all the old Bond movies I've yet to see.
Song: It's Not Easy Being Green - Kermit the Frog
Resolution: I'll start looking into sustainable sources of energy and becoming more environmentally conscious.
Song: Step into My Office, Baby - Belle and Sebastian
Resolution: I will stop sleeping with my secretary.
Song: Got Ya Money - Ol' Dirty Bastard
Resolution (well, not really): God give us strength to continue living on this planet another year without ODB.
Here's to 2009!
Love, Jen
so my new years playlist is "resolution" themed, so all the songs refer to resolutions i will attempt to make and keep in the year 2009.
Song: Everyday I Write the Book - Elvis Costello
Resolution: I will write a book.
Song: Amsterdam - Peter, Bjorn and John
Resolution: I will start seriously looking into ways to live in my favorite city in Europe.
Songs: Grand Canyon - Magnetic Fields, Washington DC - Magnetic Fields, Chicago - Sufjan Stevens, No Sleep Til Brooklyn - The Beastie Boys, Tennessee Sucks - Ryan Adams
Resolution: I will go on a Great American Roadtrip.
Song: The Legionnaire's Lament - The Decemberists
Resolution: I will expand my vocabulary with words like "laudanum," "fecundity," and "charabanc."
Song: The New Workout Plan - Kanye West
Resolution: I will finally get in shape.
Song: Elevator - Flo Rida featuring Timbaland
Resolution: I will start taking the stairs.
Song: Love is Like a Rock - Donnie Iris
Resolution: I will listen to more "homegrown" artists.
Song: After the Goldrush - Neil Young
Resolution: I will give up on this whole "panning for gold" get-rich-quick thing.
Song: Cherchez La Ghost - Ghostface Killah
Resolution: I will learn French.
Song: Spiderwebs - No Doubt
Resolution: I will change the message on my answering machine.
Song: So Fresh, So Clean - Outkast
Resolution: I will try to bathe every day.
Song: Pussy Galore - The Roots
Resolution: I will catch up on all the old Bond movies I've yet to see.
Song: It's Not Easy Being Green - Kermit the Frog
Resolution: I'll start looking into sustainable sources of energy and becoming more environmentally conscious.
Song: Step into My Office, Baby - Belle and Sebastian
Resolution: I will stop sleeping with my secretary.
Song: Got Ya Money - Ol' Dirty Bastard
Resolution (well, not really): God give us strength to continue living on this planet another year without ODB.
Here's to 2009!
Love, Jen
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