I have problems with the way people watch TV these days.
I've said before that i don't believe in Tivo. I think it robs viewers of the communal aspect of watching TV on a schedule.
This was an easy perspective to have because up until now, I've never had a Tivo, so i didn't have to worry about it. Ii never had a chance to utilize or even enjoy its many features.
But the other night, my mom's boyfriend came in and said, "American Gladiators is on at midnight."
It was 12:43.
"It's okay, I'll get you the Season Pass," which, if you are not familiar, forces Tivo to record every airing of a particular show for the rest of eternity or until I shut it off, whichever comes first.
So last night we discovered not one, not two but THREE (American Gladiators is on three times a day!!!!) episodes waiting in the "queue" (another aspect of Tivo I don't support - British English).
We sat down to enjoy what was a "tournament of champions" episode, and who was playing but my favorite-ever gladiator, Rico Constatino. my friend Mark and I have an inside joke about Rico and I wanted to utilize another modern invention, my cell phone, to text him and tell him our boy was playing.
"You can't do that. this is pre-recorded, don't forget," Dale informed me.
So there you go. I wanted to be able to share this experience with someone, and I couldn't, because they were not at the same television console as I. Bullshit.
Another thing that bugs me, which didn't exist before I left for prague, is the prevalence of online venues for viewing TV shows. Why even bother sitting down to watch TV every night? You can go on nbc.com, or hulu.com, or whatever and find last night's episode.
For example, everyday I have been sitting down around 4pm to watch the Tonight Show from the previous evening. what was I doing last night at 11:35? Nothing. Actually, probably watching old episodes of the Office, or maybe playoff hockey games from this season.
The Pens won the 2008 Winter Classic, so that's cool.
Anyway, there seems to be no reason for TV to even have a regular schedule anymore. can't we go back to the days when we all gathered round the TV and shared some quality time?
OK, back to Conan.
Showing posts with label pens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pens. Show all posts
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
SCF Game One Feedback - Detroit 3 - Pittsburgh 1
Pens lost...time to kill myself. Is history going to repeat itself? At least tasty burgers and turkey loins were grilled for the occasion. Who knew that turkeys even had such a body part? A delicious, delicious body part. Additional note with regard to turkeys - I almost murdered one trying to cross Panther Hollow Road? It got lucky; I didn't know that their loins were so delicious. The next one to cross my path won't be so lucky.
Time to go eat a popsicle to soothe this terrible setback. It won't be a red one, I can assure you of that. If only there was some kind of Pens colored popsicle...guess I'll have to settle for third-jersey blue.
Good evening.
----------------
Now playing: The White Stripes - Hello Operator
via FoxyTunes
Time to go eat a popsicle to soothe this terrible setback. It won't be a red one, I can assure you of that. If only there was some kind of Pens colored popsicle...guess I'll have to settle for third-jersey blue.
Good evening.
----------------
Now playing: The White Stripes - Hello Operator
via FoxyTunes
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Stanley Cup Finals Game Four Liveblog - Period One
What up tho'....Tmil at the helm. My first mate Jenny GGGGGGGG.
GOAL!!!!!!!! SLUTS!!!!!! Hossa just killed their face. Detriot BASKETBALL!!!!!! SUCKS!!
This just in Chris Osgood hasn't been good since 1989, ask Gary Roberts.
Graham: "Get your beers down, hossa just railed Osgood."
- Graham only said some of that.
Pens white outs are awesome, I've always been down with rainbows outs, but that hasn't caught on yet.
15:44 1st period - Hossa is going nuts. He wants to get paid. Off the post, Osgood is getting Hossa-fied.
14:56 1st period - Cleary is a dirty diver, not as fat as Holmstrom.
Chewning - all of detriots team is over weight as fuck.
Lidstrom just hit a puck 900 mph, score 1-1. Really disappointing goal.
Osgood is the biggest diver ever, im pretty sure manu is the goalie.
The edge eclipse commercial in on, its the greatest rave ever. Tons of broads, no ankney's in sight.
Robb said I can't look at porn, but he didn't say anything about pictures of Brian Westbrook shirtless...he's fat.. trust me
Jeff Ankney is talking about girls, wait, i meant grills. (that joke isnt funny at all) but jeff ankney is funny.
I think Jean Claude Van Dame is the goalie tonight for the pens, just in case.
I wish I was wearing Dockers. Dockers are awesome. I want to party with the edge eclipse girls, in san fran, wearing dockers, but no ankney's, maybe Jayson, he seems to rock out.
Dockers is sponsoring the 4 Impact Players of the Game, best advertising ever.
10:57 - Pens power play. Hossa is having a great game. Osgood is starting to look pregnant, Hossa-fied. Great save by Osgood, Hossa and Roberts were right there. Great power play, though no goals. Malkin should try shooting a little bit more, passed up too many good looks.
Little kids are really annoying. You should have to pass a sports IQ test to get tickets.
The US Girls soccer commercial is on. Way to go, you got hammered by Brazil, what else is new.
Jen- are they suggesting they drove to brazil. Answer - they are lesbians.
Jeff ankney has never watched soccer, but he loves Jerome Bettis, ask him.
Jen - Jeff Ankney has never seen Rambo or the Godfather movies, Chewning tried to kill him. Dont worry, jeff loves Jerome Bettis.
The Love Guru looks like Aunt Rachel, from Family Matters, according to Chewning. Personally, Step by Step is the realness.
Robb hates Kid Rock, but did a rap about Kid Rock. Jeff Ankney saw Kid Rock in concert, he loves Kid Rock.
Stover has a haiku:
this is my emphany that I dedicate to the future hat trick of Ruutu and NHL Sega 96....
Hoss-a-with-Moss-a
Oct-to-pus-taste-like-pee-wee
berr-ies-taste-like-pens
-good fight, good night
Orpik was facewashing a red wing with a giant 4 legged octopus.
Hossa is easily the best player on the ice right now, he must be trying out for the Red Wings next year, considering no one else will be able to afford him.
Casper apparently wasn't the ghost with the most, it might have been BeetleJuice (stacey loves Beetle juice). Apparently Casper never talked about how much ghost he was.
End of the first period, tied 1-1.
GOAL!!!!!!!! SLUTS!!!!!! Hossa just killed their face. Detriot BASKETBALL!!!!!! SUCKS!!
This just in Chris Osgood hasn't been good since 1989, ask Gary Roberts.
Graham: "Get your beers down, hossa just railed Osgood."
- Graham only said some of that.
Pens white outs are awesome, I've always been down with rainbows outs, but that hasn't caught on yet.
15:44 1st period - Hossa is going nuts. He wants to get paid. Off the post, Osgood is getting Hossa-fied.
14:56 1st period - Cleary is a dirty diver, not as fat as Holmstrom.
Chewning - all of detriots team is over weight as fuck.
Lidstrom just hit a puck 900 mph, score 1-1. Really disappointing goal.
Osgood is the biggest diver ever, im pretty sure manu is the goalie.
The edge eclipse commercial in on, its the greatest rave ever. Tons of broads, no ankney's in sight.
Robb said I can't look at porn, but he didn't say anything about pictures of Brian Westbrook shirtless...he's fat.. trust me
Jeff Ankney is talking about girls, wait, i meant grills. (that joke isnt funny at all) but jeff ankney is funny.
I think Jean Claude Van Dame is the goalie tonight for the pens, just in case.
I wish I was wearing Dockers. Dockers are awesome. I want to party with the edge eclipse girls, in san fran, wearing dockers, but no ankney's, maybe Jayson, he seems to rock out.
Dockers is sponsoring the 4 Impact Players of the Game, best advertising ever.
10:57 - Pens power play. Hossa is having a great game. Osgood is starting to look pregnant, Hossa-fied. Great save by Osgood, Hossa and Roberts were right there. Great power play, though no goals. Malkin should try shooting a little bit more, passed up too many good looks.
Little kids are really annoying. You should have to pass a sports IQ test to get tickets.
The US Girls soccer commercial is on. Way to go, you got hammered by Brazil, what else is new.
Jen- are they suggesting they drove to brazil. Answer - they are lesbians.
Jeff ankney has never watched soccer, but he loves Jerome Bettis, ask him.
Jen - Jeff Ankney has never seen Rambo or the Godfather movies, Chewning tried to kill him. Dont worry, jeff loves Jerome Bettis.
The Love Guru looks like Aunt Rachel, from Family Matters, according to Chewning. Personally, Step by Step is the realness.
Robb hates Kid Rock, but did a rap about Kid Rock. Jeff Ankney saw Kid Rock in concert, he loves Kid Rock.
Stover has a haiku:
this is my emphany that I dedicate to the future hat trick of Ruutu and NHL Sega 96....
Hoss-a-with-Moss-a
Oct-to-pus-taste-like-pee-wee
berr-ies-taste-like-pens
-good fight, good night
Orpik was facewashing a red wing with a giant 4 legged octopus.
Hossa is easily the best player on the ice right now, he must be trying out for the Red Wings next year, considering no one else will be able to afford him.
Casper apparently wasn't the ghost with the most, it might have been BeetleJuice (stacey loves Beetle juice). Apparently Casper never talked about how much ghost he was.
End of the first period, tied 1-1.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
PENS' GENITALIA II
Before we get into the next 3 players' sizes, it should be noted that Robb actually came through this week and can be temporarily labeled "cool." He signed onto the ticketmaster pens tickets machine and won, getting tickets to game one of the Pens vs. Flyers eastern conference finals game for himself, me and Graham at Mellon arena May 9th. It should be pretty great.
As promised, next in the exam room, Adam Hall. Hall has good physical measurements, which is why he's on the list. At 6'3", he's one of the tallest players on the team. Add to that the fact that he's only about 206 pounds, and you figure he's a little on the thin side too. Based on my previous formula, you'd guess he could be really throwin' down. But then you'd be wrong. Hall's "intangibles" if you will, are all wrong. To keep things short, he's blonde. Looking ridiculous aside, I've never seen a blonde man with a big dick. Something about it radiates weakness. Add in that he just joined the Pens this year, and you realize he's got some major catching up to do.
Grade: 6.55"
Fortunately, the goods get better as we put Evgeni Malkin to the test. By eye, Malkin is one of the lankiest players on the team, and his paper stats back up that observation. 6'3" and only 195? Since we all know they exaggerate their weights, Malkin is a huge prospect. Watching him this season I've noticed something else: namely, that he often falls on the ice for no apparent reason. At first I figured he was just clumsy, but after studying hours of tape, it appears that when he leans or moves suddenly, his penis actually rapidly moves his center of gravity causing him to fall. Further, I hypothesize that he uses this phenomenon to his advantage, adding momentum to his slap shots for added power. My last evidence in Malkin's favor is that he's Russian. That spells rugged and tough. He was likely fed cheap vodka from the bottle as a baby, which I think may have the same effects as Keyston Ice in infants (Miller, 2007). Add in superstardom, and there's no doubt about it, Malkin is hangin' dubs.*
Grade: 10.97"
Last up for this post, Pittsburgh's own, Ryan Malone. At 6'4", Malone is somewhere around a tie for second tallest player on the team. Unfortunately, his bulky 224 pounds are definitely sucking in his penis, possibly costing him valuable inches. Malone used to be weak, playing well below his potential. Lucky for him, several seasons with the Pens seemed to have given him a boost in both confidence and genital. This can be seen in his physically tough play and goal scoring on the ice. But all that great play may lead to him finding a new home soon, so although he'll get paid, his dick will suffer losses up to inches. Either way, he's no Malkin, so I can only give him assistant big dick this post.
Grade: 8.81"
Coming up in the next (and last) installment, Staal, Laraque and Gill.
* "Hangin' dubs" is an old reference of mine and a few others meaning to hang (as in penis hanging) double digits of inches (in penis length). i.e., if you are hanging dubs, your penis is at least 10 inches long. It is also the root of "Hangin' dubs around."
Miller, Travis. 2007. All babies start off as girls and then their parents give them Keystone Ice if they want them to turn into boys. At that point their boobs fall off and they grow balls and a penis.
---This is typically only done for a limited amount of time to produce normal males. I am suggesting that it may result in further enhancement of the male package if the process were continued indefinitely (as in the case of Malkin's vodka feedings).
As promised, next in the exam room, Adam Hall. Hall has good physical measurements, which is why he's on the list. At 6'3", he's one of the tallest players on the team. Add to that the fact that he's only about 206 pounds, and you figure he's a little on the thin side too. Based on my previous formula, you'd guess he could be really throwin' down. But then you'd be wrong. Hall's "intangibles" if you will, are all wrong. To keep things short, he's blonde. Looking ridiculous aside, I've never seen a blonde man with a big dick. Something about it radiates weakness. Add in that he just joined the Pens this year, and you realize he's got some major catching up to do.
Grade: 6.55"
Fortunately, the goods get better as we put Evgeni Malkin to the test. By eye, Malkin is one of the lankiest players on the team, and his paper stats back up that observation. 6'3" and only 195? Since we all know they exaggerate their weights, Malkin is a huge prospect. Watching him this season I've noticed something else: namely, that he often falls on the ice for no apparent reason. At first I figured he was just clumsy, but after studying hours of tape, it appears that when he leans or moves suddenly, his penis actually rapidly moves his center of gravity causing him to fall. Further, I hypothesize that he uses this phenomenon to his advantage, adding momentum to his slap shots for added power. My last evidence in Malkin's favor is that he's Russian. That spells rugged and tough. He was likely fed cheap vodka from the bottle as a baby, which I think may have the same effects as Keyston Ice in infants (Miller, 2007). Add in superstardom, and there's no doubt about it, Malkin is hangin' dubs.*
Grade: 10.97"
Last up for this post, Pittsburgh's own, Ryan Malone. At 6'4", Malone is somewhere around a tie for second tallest player on the team. Unfortunately, his bulky 224 pounds are definitely sucking in his penis, possibly costing him valuable inches. Malone used to be weak, playing well below his potential. Lucky for him, several seasons with the Pens seemed to have given him a boost in both confidence and genital. This can be seen in his physically tough play and goal scoring on the ice. But all that great play may lead to him finding a new home soon, so although he'll get paid, his dick will suffer losses up to inches. Either way, he's no Malkin, so I can only give him assistant big dick this post.
Grade: 8.81"
Coming up in the next (and last) installment, Staal, Laraque and Gill.
* "Hangin' dubs" is an old reference of mine and a few others meaning to hang (as in penis hanging) double digits of inches (in penis length). i.e., if you are hanging dubs, your penis is at least 10 inches long. It is also the root of "Hangin' dubs around."
Miller, Travis. 2007. All babies start off as girls and then their parents give them Keystone Ice if they want them to turn into boys. At that point their boobs fall off and they grow balls and a penis.
---This is typically only done for a limited amount of time to produce normal males. I am suggesting that it may result in further enhancement of the male package if the process were continued indefinitely (as in the case of Malkin's vodka feedings).
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