Stanley Cup Finals Game Four Liveblog - Period Two

TMill said "I am tired of blogging. I think I'm having a heart attack." So I am taking over.

Intermission update: Stover and Ankey are undefeated for the night at Baggo. They have just beaten TMill and Topaz, and earlier beat myself and Alicia quite handedly.

Chewning said to Jeff: "You are knocking me OUT with those American thighs."

TMill is missing a sweet Dockers commercial.


2nd period.

There's heavy discussion about whether or not it is currently a comfortable temperature in the living room. J Robb claims the air conditioner is on, but I can't hear it. Apparently this cooling device can "kick the jams."

Chewning has provided the 2nd period haiku:

Jaarko Ruutu is
provoking the RedWings team
This is Pens hockey.

"There's only one commercial, and it's heaven. That Dockers commercial is why I believe in God." -TMill

Gary Roberts is a beast.

Jordan Staal called for interference. Unfortunately for him, he's not Gunnar Stahl from D2: The Mighty Ducks. Gunnar could murder someone and not get called.

13:38 some people are getting Hossa-fied.

The Redwings positioning is tremendous..... That's what she said.

Alicia tried to liveblog and came up with one senseless sentence.

There is a creepy baby commercial on TV right now.

The guys are comparing sports stars to superheroes. Superman is Brett Favre. PacMan Jones is Dr. Octogon. Roger Clemens is the Riddler because "for every question, he asks another question."

Two important questions that have arisen:
Are there any superheroes who are hispanic so Sammy Sosa can be one?
Could Zeus be considered a superhero?

New nickname for Gary Roberts: "Gare Bear"
courtesy of Chewning.

6:40 there has been no actual game coverage in this liveblog.

The Penguins are knocking on the door.

Nice save by Fleury.

"Clink for Dockers."

We decided Malkin hosting SNL in Russian would be funnier than normal SNL in English.

3:01. nothing is happening with this power play.

I've lost the liveblog fire. No score in the second.

The third period is going to be the most important 20 hockey minutes of our lives thusfar.

peace one, JenG out.

Stanley Cup Finals Game Four Liveblog - Period One

What up tho'....Tmil at the helm. My first mate Jenny GGGGGGGG.


GOAL!!!!!!!! SLUTS!!!!!! Hossa just killed their face. Detriot BASKETBALL!!!!!! SUCKS!!

This just in Chris Osgood hasn't been good since 1989, ask Gary Roberts.

Graham: "Get your beers down, hossa just railed Osgood."
- Graham only said some of that.

Pens white outs are awesome, I've always been down with rainbows outs, but that hasn't caught on yet.

15:44 1st period - Hossa is going nuts. He wants to get paid. Off the post, Osgood is getting Hossa-fied.

14:56 1st period - Cleary is a dirty diver, not as fat as Holmstrom.

Chewning - all of detriots team is over weight as fuck.

Lidstrom just hit a puck 900 mph, score 1-1. Really disappointing goal.

Osgood is the biggest diver ever, im pretty sure manu is the goalie.

The edge eclipse commercial in on, its the greatest rave ever. Tons of broads, no ankney's in sight.

Robb said I can't look at porn, but he didn't say anything about pictures of Brian Westbrook shirtless...he's fat.. trust me

Jeff Ankney is talking about girls, wait, i meant grills. (that joke isnt funny at all) but jeff ankney is funny.

I think Jean Claude Van Dame is the goalie tonight for the pens, just in case.

I wish I was wearing Dockers. Dockers are awesome. I want to party with the edge eclipse girls, in san fran, wearing dockers, but no ankney's, maybe Jayson, he seems to rock out.

Dockers is sponsoring the 4 Impact Players of the Game, best advertising ever.

10:57 - Pens power play. Hossa is having a great game. Osgood is starting to look pregnant, Hossa-fied. Great save by Osgood, Hossa and Roberts were right there. Great power play, though no goals. Malkin should try shooting a little bit more, passed up too many good looks.

Little kids are really annoying. You should have to pass a sports IQ test to get tickets.

The US Girls soccer commercial is on. Way to go, you got hammered by Brazil, what else is new.
Jen- are they suggesting they drove to brazil. Answer - they are lesbians.

Jeff ankney has never watched soccer, but he loves Jerome Bettis, ask him.

Jen - Jeff Ankney has never seen Rambo or the Godfather movies, Chewning tried to kill him. Dont worry, jeff loves Jerome Bettis.

The Love Guru looks like Aunt Rachel, from Family Matters, according to Chewning. Personally, Step by Step is the realness.

Robb hates Kid Rock, but did a rap about Kid Rock. Jeff Ankney saw Kid Rock in concert, he loves Kid Rock.

Stover has a haiku:
this is my emphany that I dedicate to the future hat trick of Ruutu and NHL Sega 96....

Hoss-a-with-Moss-a
Oct-to-pus-taste-like-pee-wee
berr-ies-taste-like-pens

-good fight, good night

Orpik was facewashing a red wing with a giant 4 legged octopus.

Hossa is easily the best player on the ice right now, he must be trying out for the Red Wings next year, considering no one else will be able to afford him.

Casper apparently wasn't the ghost with the most, it might have been BeetleJuice (stacey loves Beetle juice). Apparently Casper never talked about how much ghost he was.

End of the first period, tied 1-1.

One more thing to feel wrong about: drinking milk

What people are concerned about:



What people should be concerned about:

Something that should never happen

Today I saw two kids dressed as though they had just got off little league practice hysterically screaming with unbridled enthusiasm as they ran out of the family mini van and into Starbucks. Parents: an appropriate post-practice treat is the custard stand, not Starbucks. As if they aren't already wired enough.



In other news: this morning was drab and shitty, but now that the sun is shining through the trees on Raleigh street, I have the the Islands' song "Don't Call Me Whitney, Bobby" stuck in my head. Their 2006 debut album, "Return to the Sea," is already an all-time classic summer album in my estimation, and its follow-up, "Arm's Way," comes out Tuesday.

And coming soon: A post about my trip to Chicago, including such highlights as:

+ Inadvertently partying with Duran Duran
+ Smoking a joint on the beach not 200 yards from the nearest skyscraper
+ Having my masculinity and Japanese-made (but American-assembled) car insulted by a Beaver County police officer at 3 a.m. this morning shortly before we opened my spare tire well and found cans of Natty Light that expired while I was still in high school.

Updates to the Site

After getting my knowledge up from Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke, one of my favorite Pittsburgh Pirates blogs. I signed up for HaloScan, edited the HTML and pimped out the blog. There are now ratings and trackbacks as well as recent comments which are displayed on the sidebar which will be more fun for everyone. If any readers have any ideas or suggestions for posts, they are welcomed and encouraged.

The Raleigh Street Panhandler

On Raleigh Street we have a panhandling cat, it acts homeless and pathetic but has a collar and is way too fat to be either. It really just sucks and I hate when it creeps around 5534.

Its a CHUD claw coming out of the sewer clutching our very own CHUD beer. The slogan is "release your inner CHUD."

CHUD will get you weird, real weird

After stumbling upon a beer at the grocery labeled "La biere du Demon" or "Demons Beer" which boldly states at the bottom of the bottle " 12% de Plaisir Diabolique" or 12% diabolic pleasure, I decided that we need to create a beer that is just as, if not stronger than 12% ABV. Excited about the possibilities, I enthusiastically called up Brian and asked if we could make such a beer when I come home. He agreed and told me that I would be in charge of creating the name and label of this new beer. After no more than a few minutes, I came up with what I think is the perfect beer name... CHUD. And the label will be a very modified version of my very terrible "microsoft paint" creation. The concept is "CHUD will get you real banged up in a hurry" and the label needs to be scary. I figure that all parties concerned will make tons of money and C.H.U.D the movie will become a cult classic.

PENS' GENITALIA II

Before we get into the next 3 players' sizes, it should be noted that Robb actually came through this week and can be temporarily labeled "cool." He signed onto the ticketmaster pens tickets machine and won, getting tickets to game one of the Pens vs. Flyers eastern conference finals game for himself, me and Graham at Mellon arena May 9th. It should be pretty great.

As promised, next in the exam room, Adam Hall. Hall has good physical measurements, which is why he's on the list. At 6'3", he's one of the tallest players on the team. Add to that the fact that he's only about 206 pounds, and you figure he's a little on the thin side too. Based on my previous formula, you'd guess he could be really throwin' down. But then you'd be wrong. Hall's "intangibles" if you will, are all wrong. To keep things short, he's blonde. Looking ridiculous aside, I've never seen a blonde man with a big dick. Something about it radiates weakness. Add in that he just joined the Pens this year, and you realize he's got some major catching up to do.
Grade: 6.55"

Fortunately, the goods get better as we put Evgeni Malkin to the test. By eye, Malkin is one of the lankiest players on the team, and his paper stats back up that observation. 6'3" and only 195? Since we all know they exaggerate their weights, Malkin is a huge prospect. Watching him this season I've noticed something else: namely, that he often falls on the ice for no apparent reason. At first I figured he was just clumsy, but after studying hours of tape, it appears that when he leans or moves suddenly, his penis actually rapidly moves his center of gravity causing him to fall. Further, I hypothesize that he uses this phenomenon to his advantage, adding momentum to his slap shots for added power. My last evidence in Malkin's favor is that he's Russian. That spells rugged and tough. He was likely fed cheap vodka from the bottle as a baby, which I think may have the same effects as Keyston Ice in infants (Miller, 2007). Add in superstardom, and there's no doubt about it, Malkin is hangin' dubs.*
Grade: 10.97"

Last up for this post, Pittsburgh's own, Ryan Malone. At 6'4", Malone is somewhere around a tie for second tallest player on the team. Unfortunately, his bulky 224 pounds are definitely sucking in his penis, possibly costing him valuable inches. Malone used to be weak, playing well below his potential. Lucky for him, several seasons with the Pens seemed to have given him a boost in both confidence and genital. This can be seen in his physically tough play and goal scoring on the ice. But all that great play may lead to him finding a new home soon, so although he'll get paid, his dick will suffer losses up to inches. Either way, he's no Malkin, so I can only give him assistant big dick this post.
Grade: 8.81"

Coming up in the next (and last) installment, Staal, Laraque and Gill.


* "Hangin' dubs" is an old reference of mine and a few others meaning to hang (as in penis hanging) double digits of inches (in penis length). i.e., if you are hanging dubs, your penis is at least 10 inches long. It is also the root of "Hangin' dubs around."

Miller, Travis. 2007. All babies start off as girls and then their parents give them Keystone Ice if they want them to turn into boys. At that point their boobs fall off and they grow balls and a penis.
---This is typically only done for a limited amount of time to produce normal males. I am suggesting that it may result in further enhancement of the male package if the process were continued indefinitely (as in the case of Malkin's vodka feedings).

Escapades from April 26

Before finals, AJ, a friend from my graduate program, who happens to be a Phillies fan, a fanatic if you will, invited me to go the Buccos - Phillies game on the 26th. Sadly, it was the last start for Matt Morris. He didn't make it out of the second inning, giving up six runs, three earned, much to the delight of AJ and other Philly fans. After the game and some quarters at Hemingway's Jared and Matt came to the after party at my house, to the delight of my roommates who were all sleeping or trying to go to sleep. Robb was apparently out pretty cold because as I burst into his room, requesting his fine drumming services for Rock Band, he yelled/screamed at me. After it became readily apparent that a fourth was not to be, we proceeded rocking. As the night wore on, and the beers got drank, fun was had by all. Near the end though, the blue drum pad ceased to function.

Several theories have been developed.

1) Someone poured beer on the blue drum pad rendering it useless. Topaz thought the entire drum set felt sticky.



2) We made late night Peanut Butter Dainties, and powdered sugar was licked off the blue drum pad, leaving a sticky residue and in the process, the drum pad lost its functionality.

3) Topaz broke it, just like he broke the pedal, by playing Mississippi Queen. To be fair he "made sure them drums [were] smacking." He then attempted to fix the pads with duct tape and broken metal pieces, but wasn't so lucky this time.

4) Jon broke it in a fit of rage because "shitting has been a totally new experience...for the worse."

5) Robb broke it because he missed out on the PBD's.

These are only theories, there is no way of knowing what really happened. What is known however, is that in 5-7 days a new drum kit will arrive via UPS and we can get back to rocking.

In closing, comments on all posts are appreciated and welcome.

Nine Inch Nails

I found out this evening that Nine Inch Nails just today released their seventh album, The Slip, totally and completely balls-out free a short five days after finishing it. I very much commend this decision, and I hope to see more established artists do in in the future. And Trent Reznor seems like a pretty nice and genuinely appreciative guy.

Unfortunately, I just finished listening to the album, and it's truly terrible. It starts out promising enough with a cool little atmospheric intro song followed by a pretty fun and straightforward song... a really simple propulsive drum beat under ripsaw power chords, probably the closest thing NIN will ever record to punk rock. And after that, everything is pretty much terrible bullshit that falls into one of two categories:

1) Stuff that sounds like a terrible parody of "The Downward Spiral" and "The Fragile": The lyrics are skull-boringly simple and deal with alienation and depression in broad-to-the-point-of-meaningless ways. For a dude who has been sober for several years and is now working with unbridled creative freedom with no one to answer to but himself, I don't understand why he's still singing about being in a hole cut off from himself staring into the broken mirror telling himself to stop when he knows he can't blah blah blah. Give me a fucking break.

2) Vapid instrumentals that sound like he's trying to pull a Low-era Bowie and falling way short of the mark.

Here is what I'd rate other Nine Inch Nails albums out of 10: Pretty Hate Machine, 8. Downward Spiral, 9. The Fragile, 7. With Teeth, 4. Year Zero, 5. The Slip, 2.

Given that the album was just finished a few days ago but Mr. Reznor promised a special treat for his fans on this day two weeks ago, I think its fair to assume that he didn't give The Slip away just because it's shitty; he could have just as well made a masterpiece and given it away. But I do think that it's a bad idea for bands to start putting out their material immediately for the same reason that I don't think someone should turn in an essay for school without letting it "sit in a drawer" for two weeks... you need some time to take stock and return to your work with a fresh perspective, and that often leads to improvements. So while I totally support giving away shit for free, and I think every major millionaire band should do this*, I think they should give it a few weeks first.

In other house news, Graham, Robb and I had breakfast for dinner, and that was whacky. Big props to Graham for locating the secret bacon, which really hit the spot. Speaking of bacon, if you have never played the game Psychonauts, it is a masterpiece.

*except U2, who should stop recording music entirely and just fucking die, but they will probably give an album away to be cool but still find a way to make a shitload of money off of it by selling the iPhones that come preloaded with it or something

Pens' Genitalia

so the pens beat the rangers and are now in the eastern conference finals with the flyers. they are the best team in the league and are primed for a run at the cup. this has led me to conclude that they all have above average size weiners. but this begs an important question: who has the biggest penis on the pens? due to the gravity of this question, i'll be doing a multi day post on some of the most prominent pens and their penis factors. i'll ultimately reveal my answer to the question, and then we'll have a vote to see what everyone else thinks.

I have a rough formula for determining a man's penis size without actually seeing the package. Basically, the taller, thinner and blacker, the bigger. The smaller, fatter and more asian, the smaller. Of course, there are other intangibles that must be thrown into the mix.

So here's my quick rundown of the most likely candidates:

First off, none other than Sidney Crosby. He's young, healthy and sexy. He's an all around hero so he seems to have a lot going for his dick size at the surface. However, 5'11" and 200 pounds with a stalky build and huge powerful man-ass, plus Canadian?? No way he's got the biggest junk on the team.
Grade: 7.25"

Moving on, an older gentleman. Gary (Scary/G-Bobs) Roberts. Roberts is downright tough. No one questions that. With that kind of confidence, you know he's packing. Roberts has surpising size, 6'2" and 215 pounds, which leads me to think he has good penis size. Now I would normally say that since he's old, maybe it's shrunk up a bit, but not with Roberts. Roberts is so old and tough that he actually gets the elusive "Dad penis" factor, giving him at least 2 more inches than any normal estimate.
Grade: 9.10"

Last of all, for this post, Brooks Orpik. Orpik stands tall at 6'2, but his 219 pounds make him a bit too chubby to really let his boners rage. Even though he's tough, he is fairly middle aged. Plus he's a pretty regular looking white guy from California, so although his dick may be tan and experienced, it can't be the biggest on this big swinging roster.
Grade: 7.00"

Next time's penises: Hall, Malkin and Malone.

On shitting

This post contains graphic and potentially disturbing personal details. Reader discretion would be wise.

By special request from J-Robb, I will briefly discuss how quitting smoking has affected my bowel movements.

My favorite thing besides smoking is shitting, and I often say that I wouldn't know a quarter as much as I do if it weren't for bathroom reading; I consider myself something of an autodidact, and the toilet is my classroom. So it has been very difficult for me to deal with constipation as a withdrawal symptom. Nicotine is a laxative, so not only was I happier when I was smoking because I was smoking, but I was also happier because I made more frequent and informative trips to the bathroom. Apparently for heavy smokers it takes the body several weeks to adjust to completely normal bowel movements, so until this time I have to apologize for my prolonged, albeit infrequent, trips to the bathroom.

In other news, two major symptoms I have not had:

+ Coughing/mucus. Apparently this starts early and slowly wanes, so I don't think it will be a problem. Although some people have told me they started coughing up black shit two weeks later, so maybe I'll start doing that. I'll keep you posted with photos and videos if appropriate.

+ Increased appetite/weight gain. I have actually had a decreased and I would say much healthier appetite. As a result, I have experienced slight weight loss. Revision: Having spent May 7 - 18 doing intense boozing across several states with such notorious partiers such as Joe Grande, Tyler Allchin, Nick Hoffman, Zach Lau, Jeff Luce and Noah Gammel, this no longer holds true

LESSON: DON'T START SMOKING. It is the greatest feeling on Earth, but if you never start it, you'll never know you'll missing it, and you'll never have to deal with the worst feeling on Earth, the feverish/anxious/depressing/tingly/constipated/angry/tired/achy/insomniac feeling of quitting smoking. The only thing that gets me through it is daydreaming about my steadily improving flow of precious oxygen... I can't wait to use this oxygen for improved mental and physical performance!!!

Live Blog of Period 3

Chewning, Topaz, Alicia, T-Mill, Ankney, J-Robb and Nate Martin are here.

Steve Monac - Fried Bologna

Oakland Arby's has bought the naming rights to the Mellon Arena.

Arby's in Oakland Arena is the new name.

In the time I went upstairs to grab my Napster, the game was 2-1 and then they just scored tying it up at 2's which is really lame.

15:00 left in the third.

Brady Quinn is the number one quarterback ever according to T-Mill.

Straka seems like a big cry baby. Yeah just got slashed but have a little class.

11:22 left.

Earlier Ruutu knocked over Jagr and it was sweet.

Mike Milbury really sucks, he was never a good GM in New York, Islanders that is.

T-Mill's parents gave away Steelers season tickets.

Who wants to go to California and wear Docker's? Anybody?

T-Mill then called everyone assholes for making fun of him being peer pressured into buying Docker's and thinking that they're really cool.

Boner pockets and boner repellent are currently being discussed.

7:00 left.

Topaz is trying to watch the game and not contribute to the blog, as per usual, at least with regards to not contributing to the blog.

Iron Man is precious.

Everyone has been pretty well quiet.

Pens are rocking to Panama.