PENS' GENITALIA II

Before we get into the next 3 players' sizes, it should be noted that Robb actually came through this week and can be temporarily labeled "cool." He signed onto the ticketmaster pens tickets machine and won, getting tickets to game one of the Pens vs. Flyers eastern conference finals game for himself, me and Graham at Mellon arena May 9th. It should be pretty great.

As promised, next in the exam room, Adam Hall. Hall has good physical measurements, which is why he's on the list. At 6'3", he's one of the tallest players on the team. Add to that the fact that he's only about 206 pounds, and you figure he's a little on the thin side too. Based on my previous formula, you'd guess he could be really throwin' down. But then you'd be wrong. Hall's "intangibles" if you will, are all wrong. To keep things short, he's blonde. Looking ridiculous aside, I've never seen a blonde man with a big dick. Something about it radiates weakness. Add in that he just joined the Pens this year, and you realize he's got some major catching up to do.
Grade: 6.55"

Fortunately, the goods get better as we put Evgeni Malkin to the test. By eye, Malkin is one of the lankiest players on the team, and his paper stats back up that observation. 6'3" and only 195? Since we all know they exaggerate their weights, Malkin is a huge prospect. Watching him this season I've noticed something else: namely, that he often falls on the ice for no apparent reason. At first I figured he was just clumsy, but after studying hours of tape, it appears that when he leans or moves suddenly, his penis actually rapidly moves his center of gravity causing him to fall. Further, I hypothesize that he uses this phenomenon to his advantage, adding momentum to his slap shots for added power. My last evidence in Malkin's favor is that he's Russian. That spells rugged and tough. He was likely fed cheap vodka from the bottle as a baby, which I think may have the same effects as Keyston Ice in infants (Miller, 2007). Add in superstardom, and there's no doubt about it, Malkin is hangin' dubs.*
Grade: 10.97"

Last up for this post, Pittsburgh's own, Ryan Malone. At 6'4", Malone is somewhere around a tie for second tallest player on the team. Unfortunately, his bulky 224 pounds are definitely sucking in his penis, possibly costing him valuable inches. Malone used to be weak, playing well below his potential. Lucky for him, several seasons with the Pens seemed to have given him a boost in both confidence and genital. This can be seen in his physically tough play and goal scoring on the ice. But all that great play may lead to him finding a new home soon, so although he'll get paid, his dick will suffer losses up to inches. Either way, he's no Malkin, so I can only give him assistant big dick this post.
Grade: 8.81"

Coming up in the next (and last) installment, Staal, Laraque and Gill.


* "Hangin' dubs" is an old reference of mine and a few others meaning to hang (as in penis hanging) double digits of inches (in penis length). i.e., if you are hanging dubs, your penis is at least 10 inches long. It is also the root of "Hangin' dubs around."

Miller, Travis. 2007. All babies start off as girls and then their parents give them Keystone Ice if they want them to turn into boys. At that point their boobs fall off and they grow balls and a penis.
---This is typically only done for a limited amount of time to produce normal males. I am suggesting that it may result in further enhancement of the male package if the process were continued indefinitely (as in the case of Malkin's vodka feedings).